6 Jacked-Up Problems That Can ONLY Happen To Penises

There are many, many things that are great about being a woman. For me, one of the best is that I don't have to deal with having a penis.

Sure, having a penis means you can pee standing up and that masturbation is a bit easier, but penises just seem like so much more trouble than they're worth.

I will HAPPILY take my internalized genitalia, thank you very much.

My poor vagina might be stigmatized by our sexist culture, but at least it isn't flopping around all prone to disasters, making simple tasks like cooking bacon in the nude a near impossibility. 

Penis problems, dudes got 'em. 

But accidental grease burns aren't the only nightmare fuel for the penis-havers out there. There are totally terrible penis problems just straight up CAN'T happen to a vagina. 

Here are 6 of the absolute worst things that can happen to his penis. 

1. Butt pee

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That's right, things can get so messed up inside a guy's downstairs region that he could actually wind up peeing out of his butt AND POOPING OUT OF HIS PENIS.

I can't. I can't. I have to lie down. Someone quick, come and fan me.  

How does this happen? Step number one: make god really, really, mad at you. 

Just kidding. It's actually the result of a piss poor (pun definitely intended) prostate surgery that can result in a tear called a fistula. 

It's totally reversible, but it takes a lot of time to recover. I understand this because it's going to take me a long time to recover from just reading that information. 

2. Penis-eating fish 

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In the immortal words of Toto, it's just fine to "feel the rain down in Africa," but you'll want to think twice about being a man and feeling the rivers, ponds, and streams. 

Why? Because of a particularly insidious fish called the candiru or "toothpick fish." These suckers confuse the opening of a penis for a catfish gill (a mistake I make almost constantly) and swim up inside it. 

But wait, THERE'S MORE: 

Once inside, they shred the skin and feast on the penis blood, making these suckers an ideal gift for that one ex-boyfriend who was just a little bit more evil than the rest. 

3. Zombie penis 

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A lot of different things can go wrong during a circumcision, but this penis botch is particularly brutal. 

So let's say a little ol' bit of the shaft of the penis is removed accidentally by a slap-happy doctor and chucked into the garbage along with that errant foreskin.

The result? The penis can grow attached to the scrotum causing the shaft to become BURIED inside a layer of fat. That's right, the penis can become buried alive. 

4. Right angle penis

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Penises don't hang straight. There's nothing wrong with a little bend or tiny curve. But Peyronie's disease takes "curve" and kicks it up notch or twelve. 

This plaque buildup can lead to extremely curvy penises which would be fine if they didn't also cause a lot of pain during intercourse. 

5. Broken penis 

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Human men don't have bones in their penises (thank god) but that doesn't mean their boner is free from ever breaking.

The tubes that fill the penis with blood causing it to get and maintain erections can snap leading to intense pain and a penis that looks like it's been through the wringer, literally. 

So be careful your rigorous sex isn't too rigorous, a penis is a terrible thing to break. 

6. Penis feast 

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When men get drunk, they can sometimes have difficulty getting an erection during sex.

That might be temporarily embarrassing, but it's nothing compared to what happened to one man who woke up after a night of drinking to discover that the neighbor's dog HAD EATEN HIS PENIS. OH MY GOD HOW MUCH DID HE DRINK, WHY WAS THAT DOG SO PENIS STARVED, THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS.