21 Signs You've Got Him Wrapped Around Your Little Finger

In any relationship, there's bound to be an imbalance of power. Inevitably, one person will either need or even just love the other person more, even if just temporarily. While we may strive for a thing like perfect balance, it's impossible to be egalitarian in all things at all times; we're not wired that way. Maybe that's for the best.

A very smart, former colleague of mine once told me that hetero relationships work better if the man is more into than the woman. I was a little incensed. Typically, things that people say only anger me if they are a truth I'm not interested in hearing or sound like the kind of fake news that dumb people are ready to run with. This was the former.

It was a cold salmon across the face reminding me that, yeah, I was probably a much better boyfriend when I felt like I had to regularly prove how about it I was. With that, here are 21 signs you've got him wrapped around your finger. 

1. If you don't orgasm, he's mad at himself for a week.

I agree with my man Ian Kerner and his seminal work She Comes First, but sometimes it just ain't in the tea leaves and it doesn't mean that his wiener (or most likely tongue) is lame sauce.

2. You'll go through every single restaurant on Seamless twice before he begins losing his patience.

JUST PICK SOMETHING, ANYTHING, I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY. 

3. He's completely stopped using the word “pussy,” especially in proximity to the word “whipped.”

As upset as you were after the President “locker room talked” with that guy who looks like an elf, he’d think twice about using that word even to describe a particular kind of willow or James Bond film or James Bond temptress... or almost any action or word ever condoned by James Bond.

4. His text replies are prompt, complete, grammatically excellent and never just one word (especially never “k”).

Not confusing “your” and “you're” is one of the few things tenuously holding society together, but texts are just quick exchanges. 

5. He hasn't seen a dudes' night since anyone really cared what Mike Myers was up to.

How are you going to make him say, “No you hang up first” if you're never apart? Absences do make the heart grow fonder. 

6. He knows every Kardashian, every Kardashian affiliate and everyone they may be dating.

Real love should get to avoid Real Housewives. 

7. He's developed a callus on his forearm from hanging a purse.

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Look, holding a purse is reasonable and not a demeaning thing to do... until it becomes taken for granted. 

8. He's scored “just because” flowers for you more than a baker's dozen times since the last Olympics.

Of course, the jealousy in your office has boiled into frothy, green-eyed rage but when a special thing starts becoming de riguer, it ceases to be special. Also, he may be a serial cheater or stealing flowers from grave sites. 

9. He's celebrated your half-birthday or 8-month anniversary without prompting.

And if he insists on keeping it up, tell him to say the cinnamon rolls in bed were “just because.” 

10. He's gotten PTSD from How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.

We're all worse off for having to remember that movie, but if Kate Hudson's character reminds your dude of you, he may have developed Stockholm syndrome by now. 

11. Yes, he looks at Pretty Young Things when they walk by, but he is highly ashamed of himself.

Glancing, eyeing and ogling are three separate things. Dudes are allowed to glance. 

12. You have experimented with pegging... and it was his idea.

Sorry, that's how to know if he's wrapped around your "marital aid" and there's nothing wrong with that, I've been told.

13. You know his phone passcode but are under no obligation to reciprocate.

Sure, if he has nothing to hide, he should be fine with it but you tell that to Edward Snowden, OK?

14. You have many guy friends but he's gone full-on scorched earth with his female unfriending pogrom.

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If he's the catch you think he is, a female acquaintance for sure wants to jump his bones, but a tiny bit of temptation and jealousy are good things. 

15. He's never hated anyone in his life... unless it's someone who is wearing the same outfit as you are.

Getting your back is ride-or-die admirable, but you've turned your cuddly pitbull into a biter.  

16. He's actually cried when you made plans without him.

The finger he's wrapped around has also ensnared his tear ducts and likely testicles. 

17. He was once a diehard fan of your favorite team's rival.

He has since engaged in the kind of sports apostasy which usually results in, at the very least, defenestration. If it was that easy to flip him on lifelong fandom, imagine how easy it may be to make him disloyal in some other way.

18. He practices writing your last name with his first.

Hey! It's not the 80s anymore, so feel free to take any last or first or middle name you damn well please, just don't practice writing it like you're using a 1972 version of Pinterest.

19. He thinks dying of natural causes while holding each other's hands is the only way he'd be satisfied exiting this mortal coil.

The Notebook has ruined a lot of good things for a lot of good people and a man is supposed to survive his lady for a short time so he can be reminded how good he had it before he makes his way up to heaven.

20. He'd totally skip legs day for you.

It's sweet until you realize that he's gonna be more top-heavy than a Russ Meyer film any day now. 

21. He never argues with you, especially in public.

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Yes, there's decorum, but putting a person on the kind of pedestal that can never be contradicted ain't exactly respect. I think “proving it” feels a little desperate but tiny, regular, selfless acts of service really make relationships work.