5 Ways Your Bicycle Is Slowly Murdering Your Vagina

I hate riding bicycles, I know this lowers my hipster cred significantly, but it's true. 

I hate, hate, hate it. 

Could this be because I was once in a terrible bicycling accident where I was knocked unconscious and hallucinated that two aged male twins took me to the hospital? Sure! 

But I think it's far more likely that my hatred for the monster with two wheels comes from how it makes my vagina feel:

Like fresh hell.

Bicycles and vaginas do not mix. At least, this has been my longstanding belief. 

It turns out that I'm not being crazy and indulging in some pet peeve, either (well mostly). 

There are a whole mess of reasons why riding a bike is slowly murdering your vagina. I mean, am I stretching the truth? Yes, but only just. 

Here are 5 terrible things that your bike is doing to your vagina.

1. Bike riding can lower your fertility. 

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Science indicates that being female and riding a bike can cause fertility issues.

And those fertility issues? They aren't just because no one will have sex with you because you look like a dork in a helmet. 

Recent studies found that female cyclists and male cyclists experience fertility issues.

Scientists aren't sure why, but they know it's true. So if you're trying to conceive maybe stay away from like, training for the Tour de France, perhaps. 

2. It can cause vaginal numbness.

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Guess what's not so great for your vagina? 

Squashing it up against a bike seat that was designed by a man for the use of other men. 

A little numbness might not feel like a big deal at the time, but it makes a difference.

Apparently, female cyclists feel LESS sexual sensation than women who choose other modes of exercise. 

3. It can cause damage to the pelvic floor.

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Studies have shown that handlebar placement can affect the damage done permanently to your labia and vagina. 

Putting all kinds of pressure on your genitals can lead to nerve damage —  irreversible nerve damage. 

Having higher placed handlebars is a workaround, but when you do this you then have to put up with mockery from all those hardcore cyclist dudes. 

4. Biking can cause vaginal bruising. 

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Even if you don't get permanent damage, riding a bicycle can lead to VAGINAL BRUISING.

I am a primary source for this information having once bruised my vaginal opening going over a bump in the road. 

I still shudder thinking about it. 

As we all know, a bruised vagina is only acceptable if you're into BDSM, in which case, rock on you sexy cyclists. 

5. It can cause skin infections. 

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Your vagina is strong and can take care of itself.

But it needs your help when it comes to some things.

Like please stop wearing lycra and not expecting to get a skin infection or a yeast infection.

Wearing a non-breathable fabric on a bicycle is a recipe for sweat, irritation, and general yuckiness. 

But make sure you wear at least SOME clothes.

We all know how risky nude cycling can be. Or at least, we can imagine.