Men Are Freezing Their Penises With Liquid Nitrogen ... Really

When it comes to their penises, men are notoriously ridiculous. 

They are forever doing stuff like having sex with pies, getting their penises stuck in holes, and trying any number of bizarre techniques to help them maintain a rock-hard erection for as long as possible. 

Would women be the same way if most of our genitalia was externalized? Perhaps, but much like the answer of how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop, the world may in fact, never know. 

The newest craze in penis enhancing treatments sounds to me like something out of the Saw horror movie franchise. 

It's called "Love Mist" which is a nice cover for what's exactly happening to his penis: It's getting blasted with liquid nitrogen. 

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I cannot even with this.

My brain keeps flashing to a trip I took the Boston Museum of Science in middle school where we watched a lab tech dunk a tennis ball in liquid nitrogen and then shatter it into a million pieces. 

WHY WOULD A MAN WANT TO FREEZE HIS PENIS WHEN SMASHING IT TO PIECES IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY? 

Oh, that's right, because of sexual pride and vanity. 

"Love mist" is being sold on two key principles.

The first, that freezing your dick triggers your temperature receptors and makes your brain tell your blood vessels to undergo “vasoconstriction." In other words, freezing your penis makes it hard. You know what else does that? RIDING A GODDAMN BUS DOWN A BUMPY ROAD, Y'ALL. 

The other thing that blasting liquid nitrogen onto your penis regularly does is send a message to your brain to heal your penis. You know, BECAUSE YOU KEEP BLASTING IT WITH LIQUID NITROGEN. 

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If your penis is constantly healing itself, is going to look all bright and perky, because it will be covered with new skin: BECAUSE YOU BLASTED OFF THE OLD SKIN BY FREEZING IT WITH LIQUID NITROGEN.

Now look, I'm aware that this has been a caps-lock heavy article, but I'm not going to apologize for that. 

Men care WAY more about their penises and how it looks and what it can do than the woman touching those penises do, I promise you. 

There are risks inherent in blasting your dick with liquid nitrogen, and it just feels that by doing this you are inviting your life to become a horror story.

That said, women do crazy things to our bodies on the regs in the hopes of achieving a totally unrealistic standard of beauty. 

So I guess, live your best life dudes, but when your penis falls off your body I don't want to hear one word about it, mkay?