11 Absolutely INSANE Spoilers From '50 Shades Darker'

Last night, I had the distinct pleasure of seeing a press screening of the latest 50 Shades of Grey film, 50 Shades Darker. 

I also had the distinct pleasure of taking my boyfriend to see it with me, and I am pleased to report that there is nothing better than making a straight man watch a 50 Shades related feature. 

"Getting really ostentatious with the cunnilingus, aren't they?" He whispered to me about 20 minutes in.

He was not wrong.

If you found the last movie to be like a well shot R-rated Dove chocolate ad, I'm pleased to report that the sequel is much the same. 

If you found the last movie to be completely boring and void of any actual events, then I am pleased to report that 50 Shades Darker is action packed. 

In fact, so much happens that it's almost ... terrible?

All this and lots of shirtless Jamie Dornan too. 

I'll be writing a few more pieces about the movie when it rolls out, but for now, I thought I'd share the most ridiculous moments from the film, in the hopes that writing them down would banish them from my brain forever. 

** SPOILERS HEAD **

1. When Ana tries to throw away Christian's flowers.

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So OK, at the abrupt end of the first 50 Shades flick, Ana and Christian had ended things. 

Ana wants more, and Christian is all "BUT MY SEX CONTRACT." 

Now he wants her back, so he buys her like, easily $100 worth of white roses, which Ana pretends to think about throwing away complete with the vase that was clearly crystal. 

A cheap bodega bouquet can get canned, not so with a classy gift like this. 

Also, I literally had to look up why they were still in a fight. 

2. When Christian buys the company where Ana works. 

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Because nothing says "I'm not a controlling monster" quite like buying the company where your girlfriend works.

Ana seems as shocked as we are but like, she's not going anywhere because of that sweet, sweet Christian Grey dick. 

3. When Christian slaps Ana's butt three times, and they call it BDSM. 

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I could write a treatise on the things these books and movies do not get about BDSM, instead I'll keep it brief. 

Neither of these people is into BDSM. 

Ana likes it a little rough, and Christian is emotionally disturbed. That's it. 

Ana asks Christian to spank her, and he taps her butt three times before putting his penis inside her.

As a person in a real BDSM relationship, if my Domme ever did that when I asked him to spank me, we would be having a conversation. 

4. When Ana is introduced to ben wa balls. 

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Look, I can understand not knowing what ben wa balls are. 

I can understand never having used them before, too.

But when your boyfriend has an actual rich person's sex dungeon and this has led you to question everything you know, you can't tell me your ass wasn't on Google doing a quick "sex toy" search just to see what might be in store for you. 

5. When Christian flees to his boat. 

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I love me some escapism as much as the next person, but when Ana's car is destroyed by an apparent stalker there is literally NO NEED to spend the night yachting on Christian's fancy boat. 

Did he get to see Jamie Dornan on a boat? Yes, we did. Did that serve any purpose in terms of forwarding the plot? Not at all. 

6. When Christian survives a helicopter crash. 

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I don't know where to start with this whole scene. 

His plane is missing after a crash. His family and Ana are in his apartment watching the news. 

No one seems really that freaked out except Ana? His mom basically looked like she'd been taking muscle relaxers all day. 

Then, as soon as the news announces "he is confirmed to be alive" he saunters into the apartment and is annoyed to find everyone gathered there. 

It's all silly and rushed and pointless. It's a lot like someone saw the first movie and was like "the second one needs a real story," and this movie decided to put every story possible inside making it feel overly long and overly complicated. 

7. When Ana goes on a three-hour rain-walk after nearly being killed by Christian's stalker. 

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If my boyfriend's former submissive showed up and tried to shoot me, I'd obviously be upset. 

But I don't think I'd go for a three-hour walk in the rain while sexy R&B played. 

And I KNOW my hair wouldn't stay as flawless as Dakota Johnson's managed to. 

8. When Ana agrees to marry Christian. 

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They have literally had one conversation about all of his shit.

He's just admitted to being a sadist, not a dominant. 

He's a goddamn mess who won't talk to Ana about anything, and his warped idea of what BDSM is makes it sound like an illness that needs curing. And Ana decides this is all cool, she'll marry him, no big. 

I mean ... his abs are nice but they aren't THAT nice. 

9. When Ana gets her boss's job. 

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Guys, why do all of the men on Earth want to rape Ana Steele? It's upsetting! 

When Ana's boss gets rapey, Christian has him fired. 

And Ana is promoted to his position, which is like, 100 percent not a thing that would happen. 

10. When Christian exercises. 

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Ana walks in to find Christian exercising.

He is shirtless so this pleases me. 

He looks at her and then jumps on A LITERAL POMMEL HORSE and holds a plank position, inexplicably. 

I mean, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

11. When there was no penis in the movie. 

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We got nipples, we got buns, but no penis. 

I swear to God, if the next movie doesn't contain Jamie Dornan's erect penis I will have to write a letter to Congress.