12 Signs You're Giving A Bad Blowjob (According To Men)

If there has been one fundamental question to be asked (of others and ourselves) in the last decade it's this: "What that mouth do?" While fellatio was likely invented at least the day before the guy wrote the Kama Sutra, it spent most of the 20th Century languishing in the world of prostitutes, "French-types" and people who had clearly not seen or read The World According To Garp.

However, either the popularity of Andrew Dice Clay or the ubiquity of decent porn made oral sex acts either mandatory complements or supplements in most sexual relationships, even ones of the one-time variety. If you're reading this, you probably already appreciate that blowjobs, and reciprocation of blowjobs, are pretty much inalienable human rights items in a contemporary relationship, but you may not really know that just going through the motions isn't enough.

When I hear people say, "Hey! Even bad sex, pizza or wedding bands are better than no sex, pizza or wedding bands," I only think of the contempt those people must have for themselves. There is such thing as a bad blowjob and here are 12 signs that you're on the administering end of one of them. 

1. He falls asleep.

Look, he's warm and relaxed and he may just be very, very, very, very tired. This is probably better than pretending to fall asleep if that's any consolation. 

2. You get pushed aside. 

He may have a special finish-off grip or pace if he insists on "I'll take it from here, you just play with your boobs for a sec."

3. He's focused on watching TV. 

Obviously, you can get oral anytime but a marathon of The O.C. is only on TV so often they appear to already be up to the season that Mischa Barton quit.

4. He says "ouch" on more than one occasion. 

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Some blowies include teeth or a kung-fu grip, but most don't. You're doing it wrong. 

5. You accidentally hit yourself in the face when you're doing the hand part.

Outside of a few specific fetishes, men love when you put in effort. We generally don't love such uncoordinated hand motions that close to our tenders. 

6. He asks if you're a virgin or insinuates you may have been raised in some kind of sexless cult. 

Most men think they have a little Edmund Hillary in them, but they really prefer some skill in a blowjob situation.  

7. He looks at his phone (even if it's for porn-y inspiration).

We're told that porn addiction isn't a thing, but either we're wrong about that or you're doing a poor job. 

8. You hate what you're doing. 

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Again, there's certainly a fetish for someone being spectacularly bored by performing a sex act, but enthusiasm is almost as important as talent whilst giving a blowjob. 

9. He's giving constant instructions.

It's possible he likes something very specific. It's much more possible that you suck at this and give bad blowjobs.

10. You've resorted to cheap theatrics like menthol or pop rocks. 

Sure, you're doing what you're doing but have some respect for yourself and the craft. 

11. There's a condom involved.

Of course safer sex is almost always the smart choice for both people, but why not just try an old-fashioned if a canker or chancre may be giving you pause.  

12. He never makes eye contact.

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It doesn't have to be a full-on staring contest but if he wanted d*ck-sucking automaton, he'd go back to rigging up a fleshlight to his vacuum. 

Look, giving decent oral sex isn't rocket surgery. Please don't feel the need to swallow anything and please, please, please do not listen to the grapefruit lady. She's insane.