How To Use A Strap-On Dildo — No Matter Who You Want To Do

I’m a Strap-on Queen. Once I discovered getting to be the penetrator during sex, I fell in love with the experience. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being the penetrated as well, but I took to strap-on sex quickly and enthusiastically.

Since I talk about it so much, I’ve had a lot of questions from readers asking about strap-on dildo and harnesses. And although I’m mostly just an enthusiastic amateur, I’ve had a fair amount of experience using them and thought I’d walk through some of the basics for people who are looking to get strapped for the first time or those who’ve used them a bit but have never been quite satisfied with their experiences.

There are a lot of variables and it may take a bit of experimentation and finesse to find the best combo for you.

I’ll start with harnesses.

You’ve got a lot of options with harnesses as far as price and quality go. Like so many other things to do with sex toys, you definitely get what you pay for. You can get an extremely cheap nylon strap harness and use it for good sex, but the experience of feeling it against your skin and the stability of the O-ring for your dildo may be questionable. If you’re really not sure if strap-on sex is your thing, a bad experience with cheap equipment might turn you off entirely from what could otherwise be a lot of fun.

My fave all-around harness is the underwear-style RodeOhs.

They come in a ton of different styles from sporty cuts to lacy styles to crotchless to jocks to boxers. I couldn’t decide what style totally represented me, so I’ve ended up with 3 pairs to cover all bases.

You just slip them on — no worries about straps and positioning — then chuck them in the washer when you’re done. The simplicity and ease mean I’m not hopping around for 5 minutes trying to get the placement right (I am all about getting back to the sexy-times as quickly and efficiently as possible). They work well with most dildos, except those larger than 1 3/4” diameter.

There are cheap underwear-style knock-offs out there and I bought a pair to wear with my packer dildo. It was a good reminder that "you get what you pay for," because the cheapo ones stink. Literally. They smell like chemicals. I’ve washed them 3 times and the stench still lingers.

For those who want a more classic harness, there are many beautiful, drool-worthy, work-of-art leather and vegan vinyl options. There are also some washable fabric and vinyl versions that can be great starting points as well, with velcro straps to position easily, so those can be a good option. I have a couple leather harnesses, and although I love the way they look, they’re more work to maintain, which is a hassle — unless you find the process of caring for leather goods enjoyable and meditative. I do NOT.

I also find the process of dealing with finding the perfect strap length to be inconvenient, since I often share harnesses with other people and can’t just set it and forget it. They also sit low on the hips (by necessity), and as a curvy gal, I always have to get over the desire to want to pull them up to a more flattering position to avoid a muffin top. Although they’re so pretty, I’ve never truly felt like I’ve had my leather harness positioned exactly perfectly, and I find that distracting.

That said, there’s the advantage that you can easily swap out the O-ring for different widths of dildos, which is great for adding variety. You have to decide if you get a harness with a pass-through so you can use insertable (“strapless”) dildos like the Feeldoe, or one that has fabric or leather behind the O-ring, which needs to be used with a flared-base dildo.

An accessory I’ve found essential for when I’m using flared-base dildos is a driver pad, which is a bit of padding that goes between the dildo and my pubic bone.

My pubic bone is really prominent and I get terrible, painful (but worth it!) bruising anytime I use a dildo that isn’t insertable. This inexpensive pad was an excellent investment. It doesn’t save me from all bruising, but it decreases the pain significantly, and I don’t wince every time I zip up my jeans for 3 days after I have sex.

When it comes to dildos you’ve got an essentially infinite number of options. Where you want to stick your dildo is an important starting point from which to choose. 

1. If you’re going to be having sex with another woman and are looking for a single unit (heh!) to start, go with something pretty moderate.

Remember, most real-life penises aren’t monstrosities. When you’re in the sex-toy store you may lose your sense of scale. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve come home with something thinking it was moderately sized, then once out of the store discover I’ve got an outlandishly sized toy in my bag. It’s fun to have a couple behemoths if your play partners are size royalty, but these versions might not get used as much.

If I had to give up all but one of my dildos (please, no!), I’d stick with my Fuze Tango. It’s insertable with nice G-spot stim for me, has a reasonable 6 ¾” insertable length for my partner, and a spot for a bullet vibe. It’s not cheap and might be intimidating as a first purchase, but it is definitely my most versatile and it's my go-to choice.

2. If you want your dildo for delivering awesome anal sex and your partner is a beginner at receiving, you want a slimmer size to start — but don’t go tiny and short.

There needs to be enough length that when you’re doing the pull back part of the thrust, you’re not exiting and re-penetrating every time (unless your partner likes that). Especially since you don’t get the physical feedback a penis does, it takes some experience to feel how much you can do with this. A long, thin(ish) dildo will serve you better so you can thrust without worrying about falling out.

3. For pegging, we started with the slim Fuze Nova then moved onto Tristan Taormino’s recommended Vixen Mistress.

My partner Flick found the very narrow Nova to be less comfortable than the larger Mistress since the narrow shaft can create a “pokey” sensation and he found being a bit more dilated made for more comfort during thrusting. He suggests that guys not be too skittish with dildo size, something modest but realistically-sized is probably more comfortable than the smallest one you can find (and warming up those muscles to receive is, of course, essential).

We've used my fave Tango as well now that we’re both more experienced and comfortable, and for some people, it would probably be a fine starting point for anal.

Now that we’ve got the equipment sorted, there comes the physical act of doing someone with a strap-on.

This is completely unlike movements done while on the receiving end. My best advice here is that you need to embrace that it is going to be awkward.

Where do you put your legs?

Where do you put their legs?

What’s the best angle for hips in this position?

How do you find the best leverage for thrusting?  

If you go into this expecting a smooth, effortless experience, you will be disappointed. None of it comes naturally and you just have to have a sense of humor and adventure to go with figuring it out in every new position with every partner.  

You should also know that you’re going to discover tiny muscles in your groin and hips that you’ve never felt before.

Thrusting is really hard work and you’re going to be sore the next day until you build up strength in those very specific muscles. I could barely walk the day after I strapped on for the first time.

But every wince was a wonderful reminder of the previous night.