The Smartest Girls NEVER Wear Undies (According To Me)

I've never liked underwear.

Ever.

Even as a kid when the days of the week underpants were supposed to hold such allure, I had no time for the way the elastic gripped my waist and the way. And there was no Sunday pair of undies, so I'm like, "What, my vagina's not good enough for the sabbath?"

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I don't remember ever consciously thinking "yo, fuck underwear", but it must have been right around the time when I started dressing myself.

I made exceptions to the rule of course. If it was a windy day and I was wearing a skirt, underwear went on.

I was modest in my youth, whereas now when I go outside sans underwear and wearing a skirt I'm like "BLOW, YOU HURRICANES" because if someone is going to all the trouble it would take to check out my ass and my vagina underneath my skirt, they are hard up enough that I would be doing them a service.

I hate the way my underwear makes clothes look on my body. I have a wonderful curvy shape... until I put on a pair of underwear and my curves are transformed into chubby wasp segments. I know this why people do stuff like wear thongs, or that new underwear that is just a sticker you slap on your vagina, but let me ask you this: which is more insane, jamming fabric up your ass crack and putting an sticker on your vagina ... or simply refraining from wearing underwear? 

To me it feels like a no-brainer. 

I'm 33 years old and I have never had a yeast infection. Now, I'm no doctor so I'm not going to sit around loudly pronouncing that wearing underwear gives you yeast infections, but those two facts cannot be ignored. I've also never had a UTI, so stick that in your underwear and smoke it. 

There have been times where not wearing underwear has led me and my vagina to feel embarrassment, stress, or discomfort. The ear-splitting lecture I got from my dad when I was twelve still haunts me, as does the time I (SURPRISE) got my period on the subway (thank god for my inner thigh strength).

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But wearing underwear has led to more discomfort and embarrassment. Once as a youth I put my bathing suit on over my underwear (do not even ask me how) and then had to do some strategic gymnastic feats hidden beneath a towel to free myself. Another time, the string keeping the elastic band in place gave way and my underpants fell to my ankles while the waistband stayed firmly in place. 

I have a tendency to wind up in situations where I look like a fool. I cannot blame underwear or a lack of underwear for this, a fact I acknowledge. 

But when I read about this sticker underwear, I knew the time had come to make a formal stance against ridiculous women's undergarments. I mean, the thong is one thing, but this is just ridiculous. For one thing, IT IS ATTACHED TO YOUR BODY WITH GLUE. How do you pee? Does it move when you sweat? Why on EARTH did they make the part that covers your ass into a heart shape?! 

These, and other questions. 

We want to show off our butts in jeans, but first we need to make sure that we're hiding our shame, even if that means getting glue in your vagina. That is insane to me! That is a crazy double standard! 

If you like underwear and the way it feels and looks, that's awesome. Wear it, wear it for all of us who don't. If you don't like it, don't wear it. It's just that simple. We've been blessed with internal genitalia, why not revel in the freedom that the reality of our parts provide? 

Viva la underpants free life! 

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