9 Outrageously Expensive Sex Toys That Fancy Vaginas & Penises LOVE

I don't spend a lot of my money on sex toys. This is partially because I am cheap, and partially because I am a sex writer and very often I receive lots of free sex toys to sample and review.

It's like being a professional chocolate writer: It never gets old, even when I feel totally disgusting from eating all that chocolate, ya know?

If I did have a massive disposable income, I like to think that as much as I enjoy sex I would spend my money on things like boats and miniature ponies to give out to my friends are parties.

Spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a sex toy just doesn't make sense to me. Just pay the hundred plus for The Womanizer and you'll be set for life! 

That said, the sex toys that are currently on the market designed to be purchased by the fabulously wealthy are a total delight to examine. I suppose its a minset I should respect. After all, if something is going to be inserted into my vagina for recreation shouldn't it be literally worth its weight in gold? 

From gold to diamonds to surprisingly realistic looking human flesh, the sex toys of the ridiculously rich will have you scooping your jaw up off of the floor and thanking god you've got those discount codes for Adam and Eve. 

1.The Moby Huge 3 Foot Tall Super Dildo, $611.95

Abavee

According to the item description, the only thing holding you back with this 40-pound dildo are the limits of your kinky imagination. I think I would probably just dress him up in fun costumes. You know, for parties. SEXY PARTIES. 

2.SexFlesh Seductive Sandy 3D Love Doll, $337.64

Jet

Because why have sex with a pie when you can fork over several hundreds of dollars to have sex this terrifying, soulless-eyed sex doll? I think I would probably just use her to convince people they had found a dead body. Best Halloween prop ever!

3.JCobra Silver Cock Ring with Natural Pearl, $2,600

Amazon

What do you buy the man who has everything? An ergonomically designed silver cock ring with the engraving of your choice. I'm going with "I spent 2K and all I got was this lousy cock ring." 

4.Silver Butt Plug with Real Horse Hair Tail, $3,475

Amazon 

"Here baby, I know you like butts, and I know you like horses, so I got you this butt plug made with real horse hair. Also I cannot pay the rent this month, next month, and I'll be honest the month after that is looking not great also." 

5.The Dream Love Chair, $6,200

The Chive 

This chair was originally designed to make it easier for the disabled to have sex. But because we are all terrible perverts, it's now become very popular in sex hotels for all folks. I literally think you could buy a horse for this much money, though admittedly I have not googled. 

6.The Eternity Egg, $25,000

Colin Burn 

One time I ordered a fancy hands free vibrator in college and because it was like, $30, I got a vibrating egg included for free. I used it for a while and then it broke because it is a vibrating egg. Now imagine me telling you that story except I paid TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR THE EGG because I had to shove diamonds and gold up my vagina. This is what it is like to be rich. 

7.The Victor Phantasm, $60,000

Lelo 

This vibrator actually comes with a diamond ring included. And like, for $60,000 it better. Hell, for that amount of money it should also be delivered by a helper monkey who is yours to keep for life. 

8.King JCobra Solid Gold Cock Ring, $126,585

Amazon

If you have some extra cash laying around, why not spend it on a cobra shaped cock ring made out of gold? It comes in a wooden box handcrafted by the same dudes who do the interior of Rolls Royces, so like, that will be a fun talking point if the sex you have wearing this insane device seems to be less than ideal. 

9.Inez Vibrator by Lelo, $15,000.00

Lelo 

You can put a price on a killer orgasm, and apparently that price is 15 large for a traditional vibe that is SOLID GOLD. I think I wouldn't be able to enjoy my self-touching time because I'd be busy thinking about all the other things the money I used on this vibe. Incidentally, Gwyneth Paltrow recommended this vibrator on her website.