5 Things To Consider Before Becoming A Couple's 'Sexual Guest Star'

I often talk to single men and women who are interested in swinging, but aren’t sure what it’s all about or how to get involved. 

If you are considering swinging as a single there are a few questions you should ask yourself.

These are questions couples interested in you may ask, and things you should know about yourself in order to have the best possible experience.

1. Why am I interested in swinging? What is it about threesomes or encounters with couples that turns me on?

Swinging gives you the freedom to add variety and excitement to your sex life. You can be sexual with people from all walks of life, people of different races and body types. You can experience different styles of sex, and participate in sexual positions that are only possible with three or more people. If you are bisexual or curious you can experience sex with girls and guys at the same time.

As a single participant in a threesome you are a special guest to a couple. You can enjoy the dynamic of the couple’s intimacy and share their energy for the evening. You are not just an extra set of hands, or an extra penis or vagina. You are a person and a full participant. But, you are there for the couple’s pleasure and excitement. As the guest star, you make the encounter more exciting. You are not there because the wife is not satisfied by her husband or vice-versa. Swinging is something the couple participates in together for fun.

If you are only interested in swinging as a path to casual sex or as a way to save money on escorts, you are not going to fully enjoy the experience and your opportunities will be limited. Save yourself the effort and look for casual sex with singles or see escorts. Most experienced couples are looking for singles who truly enjoy threesomes and respect their relationship.

2. Can I separate love and sex?

Most swinging couples are emotionally monogamous. They share their bodies and their sexuality outside their marriage, but not their love. Swingers enjoy casual sex and friendship without commitment. Couples who swing do care about their partners and enjoy spending time with them. However, most have boundaries and are not looking for a second love relationship.

Examine yourself and your past relationships. Do you fall in love at first sight? Do you feel you have to be in love to be sexual with someone? Can you be intimate without expecting a commitment? Are you possessive of someone after you’ve had sex with them? If you don’t feel that you can have a healthy “friends with benefits” relationship, then you should not swing.

3. Am I in a position where I can swing ethically?

Most swingers feel strongly that cheating is wrong. They have worked hard in their relationship to be able to honestly open themselves to sexual encounters with swing partners. They do not want to hurt anyone or participate in deceit. If are you currently in a committed, monogamous relationship, most swinging couples will not be interested in helping you cheat.

4. Am I comfortable with myself?

Participating in a threesome can be a little like being on stage. The best performances happen when you feel good about your body, your sexual interests and your abilities. What are your best qualities? What are your sexual superpowers?

If you are self-conscious about your appearance, go to the gym and eat a healthy diet. Get a friend to help you choose a flattering hairstyle and clothing.

Spend time developing a positive attitude and people skills. Reassure yourself that you are a good person, leading a good life. If you are shy or have trouble starting conversations, practice these skills with friends or family. Couples interested in having sex with you want to be able to have a nice conversation and easy social interaction.

You can read articles or books about improving your sexual skills. Practice using condoms while masturbating if you haven’t used them during sex often. There are great websites, podcasts and books to learn about techniques, positions, and toys. Don’t just rely on porn to learn about threesomes. Be comfortable talking to couples about what you enjoy in bed, what they like, and safer sex practices.

5. What are my rules and boundaries?

Nothing does more to ruin a sexual moment than creating a situation that is uncomfortable for one or more of the parties involved. The best way to avoid these awkward moments is to be upfront and to communicate well with your playmates. Many couples have a set of ‘play rules’ that they have discussed with each other prior to inviting you to the fun — this is important information that they should share with you. It is also important for you to think about your own ‘play rules’ before connecting with a couple.

Here are just a few rules to think about.

• Is kissing important to you?
• What about public displays of affection?
• Do you enjoy sexting?
• How do you prefer to communicate — via email, phone?
• Are condoms required?
• Do you swallow?
• Are you interested in bi play?
• If yes, are there boundaries for same sex interaction?
• Is there any place that is off-limits to come?
• Do you ‘play’ on the first date?
• Do you have a pubic hair preference for your partners?

Spend time fantasizing and considering what you want from a threesome encounter and relationship. Use your fantasies balanced with your concerns to think about the practicalities involved in an actual event.

It’s a good idea to put your rules in writing.

Decide which ones are preferences and which are rules. If you are clear and confident about your rules, your interaction with couples will go more smoothly. Over time your rules may relax and your preferences may change.

I hope this article has been helpful to you in deciding whether swinging as a single is right for you. Please take the time to consider these five questions. Think about what swinging means to you and what you are interested in pursuing. In my next installments I’ll give tips on the ins and outs of meeting couples online and in person.

Listen Now: How do you find other swingers? How do you find people to date? Those top a list of frequent questions we get on the Life On The Swingset: The Podcast. As outsiders looking in, as people curious to get started, we all wonder if we’ll be able to do this, because there’s that foreign concept in the middle. Finding people to have sex with. Finding people to date. Finding people not just okay with open, but enthusiastic about it. Tonight, we talk about the pursuit, finding playmates, and finding lovers.