If You Need A Sexual Game-Changer, Dirty Talk Is Calling Your Name

The more I talk to folks about sex, the more I see folks struggling with some of the same stuff over and over.

High up on this list is sexual communication. Whether it is navigating consent, getting what they need, or being a better partner, folks often come up short because they treat sex like a combination of mind reading and charades.

I’d like to offer you a better way. My suggestion? Dirty talk.

This isn’t news. I know a lot of you know this, but it seems you’re still shying away from making regular use of this knowledge. Let’s talk a bit about why, and how dirty talk can work for you.

First up, it’s such an excellent tool when it comes to consent! So many folks struggle with the concept of “enthusiastic consent” because they think talking ruins the moment, but dirty talk gives you the tools to get clear on consent while building arousal.

How so? By building it directly into sexual play. Rather than having there be the touching, kissing and sucking, and somewhere along the way remembering to give affirmative consent, you get to have them hand in hand while building anticipation. You know what’s hotter than a partner touching you in a new way? A partner telling you how much they want to touch you in that way and giving you the chance to say "No," or “Oh, hell yes!” 

Suddenly consent stops being a stumbling block on the way to the good stuff and becomes a stepping stone to making the stuff we do well even better.

Speaking of making the stuff we do well, the best thing about dirty talk, in my opinion, is that it gets people talking about their sexual preferences, which is always a good thing. Partners aren’t mind readers, and yet so often folks hesitate to openly communicate about what they need for fear of seeming critical or demanding, or somehow taking away from their partner’s pleasure.

I can see why “No, not that!” or even “Try this ... ” can be hard for people to express out loud. Many of us weren't taught to be open about our needs. When we build that communication into our play, making it part of the excitement, the benefits we see are three-fold — we get communicate our needs, we get all hot and bothered, and we seriously improve the chances of getting what we want.

How do you go from sexual mime to aural sex master?

The idea of dirty talk can be loaded for folks. It can feel like you’re being asked to jump into porn star type performance, and that feels like a huge, possibly unwanted, leap to make. Let’s make that a bit more manageable for the novice dirty talkers out there. 

I say keep it simple and keep it real. A mistake so many people make when trying out dirty talk is parroting bad stereotypes — things they’ve heard in porn, or what they think dirty talk is supposed to be — and it just doesn’t work, because, well, not all penises are “SO big,” not all vaginas are “SO tight,” and there are circumstances when announcing your partner has been “very, very bad” just comes off weird.

Stick to talking about what’s actually happening in the actual moment with the person you're actually with.

Does it feel good when they touch you? Awesome! Share that news.

Do they have a great ass? They’d probably enjoy hearing about that.

Are you excited to have sex with them? Tell them all about it.

Maybe the best piece of dirty talk advice I ever heard was uttered by the amazing Nina Hartley, who said, “Don’t tell them what they want to hear, tell them what they need to know."

Okay, so what if you’re totally good to go on the talking front, but your partner is basically a ninja?

This happens. Sometimes you’re raring to go and you’re spouting off all sorts of lascivious stuff — and your partner is totally silent. In this scenario whispering, “Talk dirty to me” often yields results that are awkward for everyone. (“Uh, I like… your, um… areola?” Not good.)

For goodness sake, help the poor ninja out!

My advice here is not that different than my advice for any new talkers — keep it real.

I go with questions. “What do you want me to do to you?” is especially successful in this scenario.

Whatever you do, just make sure you give them some guidance and understand that, as with any sexual activity, they may deem dirty talk is simply not for them, and that’s something you’ll have to negotiate. 

So, that’s the story folks. If it works for you, dirty talk can be a sexual game-changer.

So get out there and get dirty!

A version of this piece appeared on Kinkly.com.