Swedish Fish Flavored Oreos Prove That We’re Living In The End Times

Oreo, formerly a pillar of the international cookie community, shocked the food world this week by releasing a “limited edition” Swedish Fish-flavored Oreo. (They’re being rolled out to Kroger supermarkets at this very moment.)

And, when I say “shocked the food world,” I’m mostly talking about MY food world. I realize that there are people out there who will react to this news with outright apathy or who might say “Oh, a new Oreo, that sounds fun.”

But, when I heard about the creation of the Swedish Fish Oreo, it shook me to my very core. It felt like that moment in a bad sci-fi movie when the naïve scientist tells us that we have nothing to fear from artificial intelligence — cut to 30 years later and we’re all being hunted by naked death machines with thick Austrian accents.

Instagram/@charmingcharleyandcash

It felt like that moment in Jurassic Park, when Jeff Goldblum’s Ian Malcolm rails against the creation of dinosaurs as theme park attractions, and tells the park’s creator:

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they COULD that they didn't stop to think if they SHOULD.”

img.pandawhale.com

I realize this may sound a wee bit melodramatic, but, seriously, THIS is how we’re using the technological might of the twenty-first century? We’re chemically altering the classic crème of an Oreo cookie to make it taste like gummy fish?

Maybe the red flag should’ve been the watermelon-flavored Oreos back in 2013. Or the fruit punch Oreos. Or the pumpkin spice Oreos. Or the candy corn Oreo. Or the red velvet Oreos. (Those are all real, BTW.)

Maybe we should’ve mobilized and mounted a resistance earlier. But we didn’t. We let Nabisco take our silence as an affirmation and now we’re looking down the barrel of gummy fish-flavored crème-filled chocolate cookies.

Giphy

This is not to say that I’m some sort of cookie prude. My cookie preferences aren’t wholly “vanilla”… even though I vastly prefer the classic vanilla Oreo filling.

I’ve experimented before. I’ve put Double-Stuff on Double-Stuff. I’ve eaten Fudge Sticks through the hole of a Fudge Stripe. I’ve even tag-teamed Samoas and Tagalongs.

I’ve LIVED a full cookie life.

But Swedish-Fish Oreos? It’s too far, people.

Our hubris is blinding us to the consequences of our actions for now, but I’m telling you, in five years, when we’re dealing with Red Vines-flavored spaghetti noodles and Mike and Ike-seasoned risotto, you will WISH we’d drawn a line in the sand and stopped this epidemic before it ever started.

So, fine, enjoy your new cookie if you MUST. Swedish Fish and Oreos are delicious separately, so they must work together, right? RIGHT?

https://www.yourtango.com/node/293778/edit
Instagram/@michaelboyda

Coddle yourselves with your lies, if it helps you sleep at night. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here, reflecting on the words of J. Robert Oppenheimer, describing what it felt like when they invented the atomic bomb:

We knew the world would not be the same.

A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita; Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." I suppose we all thought that, one way or another.

Giphy