Some Women THRIVE On Chaos, Passion And Perfection (And That's OK)

I have the tendency to believe that I’m not a real person. That even despite my normal human limitations, my optimism alone will give me enough energy to do it all and then some. 

There was one semester in college where I thought it’d be a great idea to take five classes, have two internships and a part-time job. Oh I also wanted to spend time with my boyfriend and my friends and go on vacation and lose weight and start playing piano again and yada yada yada. I convinced myself that combination of all these super time-consuming things would make me happy. 

To say I “burned out” would be the understatement of the century. 

Part of me wishes I could stand here before you today, and tell you that I've grown a lot since then, and that I'm now a very mature, well-balanced person. That I drink Chai tea every morning at 6 a.m., and some how manage to get all my work done before an evening yoga class. That I make regular time for friends and vacations, and that my hair is always brushed. That I never forget to wear deodorant — and that my deodorant is all natural and made of roses. 

None of the above is true — and it probably never will be. 

Because while my burn-outs are sometimes a direct result of my inability to say no, most of the time they're caused by the pressure of perfection.

That's a weight I've carried on my shoulder for years, despite the fact that no one has ever asked me to. 

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You see, I want to do it all, and I want to do it all perfectly.

I want every side project to succeed and make millions. I want every friendship to be the most meaningful one I’ve ever had. I want every experience to be so amazing I could write a book about it. 

God, when I see all my thoughts written down, I feel like a crazy person.

But it’s true. I’m crazy and a perfectionist and I have a tendency to self-destruct out of good, but totally far fetched intentions. 

While most of my mania is self-created, some of it is generated by this idea that we have to have it all to be happy.

That our life has to be a perfect balance of meaningful work, quality family time, good health and a big dose of self-care. Anything else is consider a struggle, and you should talk to your life coach ASAP.  

Well I realized that even though I'm constantly striving for that perfect life balance, my best days are total chaos.

When I have the time to perfectly follow my work schedule, do an hour of yoga, make all my meals as home, write in my journal and all the other stuff I always feel like I need to do, I’m bored AF. 

Balance is something I’ve been telling myself for years I have to have, but in reality, I hate it. 

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Maybe you're not like me. Maybe your happiest moments are a lot quieter than mine. That's okay. Life isn't one-size-fits-all, and we shouldn't make ourselves miserable trying to live in a way that doesn't feel natural for us. 

I was created for chaos, insanity and never having enough time. Maybe that will change later on, and maybe it won't. But we shouldn't struggle for a life that doesn't feel authentic to us. 

A lot of us are lucky to live in a world where we have the time, money and capability to pay this much attention to our lifestyle. But life isn’t something you can style. You can’t curate a memory or design a moment. Living is living. Appreciate the now and let go of the idea that it needs to be anything but. 

Embrace your chaos or love your simplicity. The most important thing you can do, is to do you. 

Stop making all these demands on yourself to be better or perfect. Because chances are whatever you’re doing right now, is perfectly fine.