What It’s Like Having Sex With A Bionic, Inflatable PENIS

When Mohammed Abad was just a small boy, a snowball fight on his Edinburgh street ended in tragedy.

The kid was shoved into oncoming traffic where he was dragged for yards by a passing car. 

At the hospital they gave him just 12 hours to live. Miraculously, Abad pulled through.

His penis, however, wasn't so lucky.

(Yes, that is a sentence I just wrote for work that you are now reading. These are strange times we live in, friends.)

In the accident Abad lost his penis and one testicle. I do not even have a penis and my entire body curled in on itself in agony just writing that down.

At the hospital they fitted him with a tube for peeing and called it a day, leaving the poor kid to his own limited devices. 

School was a nightmare, and a romantic relationship seemed impossible.

Even though he had a wife he met through arranged marriage, they were never able to consummate their union which later ended in divorce. 

It wasn't until he was 44 that Abad achieved his dream, penis-speaking. 

A local hospital fitted him with what can only be described as an inflatable bionic penis. I mean yes, I could call it something else (specifically, a prosthetic penis), but when you get the chance to report on a bionic penis — you report on that bionic penis. 

The operation was groundbreaking, even though it was about a 6-inch piece of plastic covered with skin from Abad's forearm which they rolled up, he described "like a sausage roll." Good luck ever eating a sausage roll again, dudes. 

After the doctors fitted Abad with his new member, he was keen to put it to use. 

He consulted sex worker Charlotte Rose, a London native who specialized in working with challenging cases like his. 

Charlotte had never seen anything like Abad's bionic prosthetic penis before, and she was tremendously impressed, waiving her usual fee to rid Abad of his pesky virginity as a courtesy. 

"He lasted over an hour and quarter," she reported. '

I wanted to make sure there was no pressure for Mo. There was a lot of fun, smiles and giggles. The room got quite heated," she added. "I was quite impressed."

CHARLOTTE. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION.

I have so many questions. Like, did it make a noise like a squeaky plastic pool toy? Did he wear a condom? What did it look like? Did it ruin sausage rolls for you too?

Sadly, we may never know. 

But the encounter was not without incident.

Initially Abad got too excited and nervous and the left side of his bionic penis failed to inflate, proving that even bionic supermen can be made victims of their own nerves.