If You're A Woman With Hairy Nipples, Here's What You Need To Know

Once your boobs are fully developed, you don't tend to think of them, really.

Oh sure, there are breast exams, and dresses gone woefully unpurchased because our massive mams refused to be contained. And yes, during pregnancy and childbirth some wacky things happen to them. But by and large they just are always around, hanging out, literally. 

That's why it takes so many women by surprise when in their late 20s they start sprouting boob hair, nipple hair to be more precise.

I say they, I ought to say we. 

The day in my mid-twenties when getting ready for a shower I noticed a black hair popping out of one nipple was a dark day. Initially I tried brushing it off my chest thinking it was an errant cat hair (and that was somehow better). When it didn't budge I realized it was only a matter of time until I had a beard so rich and lush and even the Brawny Man would be jealous.

The truth is that growing nipple hair is a totally normal thing. 30% of all women report this blight totally natural occurrence, and you know some of those women polled were all "I am so not telling a stranger about my nipple hair shame." 

There can be medical reasons for nipple hair making an appearance, but it is always one of many other symptoms.

By and large, nipple hair is a thing that happens thanks to the shifting tide of our mother fucking hormones. Even as I write this I am tugging one dark chin hair pensively, because being in your thirties is a never ending font of joy as you body stops growing and starts aging. 

Your nipples, like male nipples, have hair follicles on them. So duh, sure, some hairs are going to grow.

There's a lot of false information about removing your nipple hair. Growing up I thought if you ever grew hair there you had to leave it untouched for fear of something awful happening, what I do not know. I vaguely remember being concerned that my nipples would become infested with worms? Puberty is confusing guys. 

But the truth is you can remove nipple hair as easily and safely as you do on any other part of your body. 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the way I do it is the best way of doing it.

That's not just because I've got a massive ego, but also because I'm a giant baby about hair removal and if I've found something that works for me, I can easily say everyone else can manage it with no problem.

1. Pluck them out with sterile tweezers.

There. You are done. It's gonna take upwards of a month for it to grow back because you got the root, son! Good job! 

2. You can wax... 

...but plucking is just as successful and much less painful.

3. You can also shave... 

...but I mean, that means putting a razor on your titties, and that means risking cutting open your nipple, and infection, and ingrown hairs, and oh my god I need to sit down I'm faint. 

4. I won't even mention hair removal creams.

I should hope you are all smart enough to realize that smearing Nair on your nipples is about just as bad as apply a nest of ferocious bees to your rack. 

It's also important to point out that there's no need to remove your nipple hair if you don't want to.

That's a sensitive area, and like every other part of your body, whether or not you remove that hair should be your decision and yours alone. 

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my monthly plucking. Go ahead and pour one out for my three nipple hairs.

May they go and never return.