7 Ways To Get Revenge On A Cheater WITHOUT Chopping His Penis Off

When you find out someone's been cheating on you, it's easy to fly off the handle.

You thought you were just putting his stuff in boxes, but suddenly the boxes are all on fire and you're quietly chuckling and catching your breathing being like:

Ikki Kotsugai, a Japanese boxer, knows this feeling well. When he discovered that his wife was having an affair with her boss, he stormed the office, cut off the dude's penis, and flushed it down a toilet.

"It was the most traumatic toilet plunging I have experience," is what the office's janitor would surely have said if anyone had interviewed him.

Cutting off a penis in a fit of rage isn't a new phenomenon. Remember when Lorena Bobbitt when nuts on her cheating husband and threw his penis out of the window (as one is wont to do with a severed member I suppose)? 

The impulse makes sense: hit him where it hurts and keep him from doing it again. 

But once that initial red wave of rage has passed, do you really want to come to with penis blood on your hands and The Daily Mail calling you for an exclusive interview? No. No you do not. 

Here are 7 great ways to get revenge without having to take a sharpened blade to a penis that once brought you great joy. 

1. Write An Album About It 

Hi, I'd like to introduce you to someone you might know HER NAME IS BEYONCE AND SHE LITERALLY WROTE LEMONADE, AN ENTIRE ALBUM ABOUT JAY-Z'S INABILITY TO KEEP HIS PENIS IN HIS DRAWERS. She made tons of cash, earned critical acclaim, and presumably still has sex with Jay-Z because he's still got a penis. 

2. Give Him A Tattoo 

Take your lover out for a nice meal. Get him good and tipsy. When the hour is right, suggest impulsive couples' tattoos. If he hesitates, make sure he keeps drinking. Once he passes out, pass the tattoo artist some hush money and then the world is your oyster. I recommend "CUM DUMPSTER" on his forehead. 

3. 'Godfather' Him 

Put a hotdog covered in ketchup under his sheets while he is sleeping. When he wakes up and discovers the bloody the tuber tickling his toes his impulses to stray will be seriously hampered.Though he may develop a fear of beds and/or you. Bonus: at the end you get to eat the hotdog. 

4. Host An Orgy

Invite ten to twelve sexually open near-strangers to your home for group sex. Also invite your dude, but don't tell him it is in orgy. Answer the door covered in lubricants and wearing a smile. When he asks what's going on let him know he revoked his right to information the second he put his dick in Tammy from accounting. 

5. Assert Your Ownership

The next time the two of you go out to a bar, demand that the music be cut. Force him to stand on a table, then grab his schlong and giblets and loudly pronounce "THIS MINE." Give a hearty squeeze for emphasis. He'll be enchanted. 

6. Scare Him Straight

After you discover he's been cheating, leave a trail of clue for him to follow. They will all lead up to learning about your "dark past". Prison time, violent tendencies, and the dismembered remains of the last man who betrayed you are just a few of the items you might want to include. This is pretty passive aggressive, but it is also pretty effective. 

7. Tell Dolly Parton 

I feel like if you can tell Dolly Parton what your man has been up to, she is pretty much guaranteed to find him and publicly shame him for his wrongdoing. Her parting words to your betrayer: "Every time you hear Jolene know just how much I hate you."