We Tried The Sqweel Blowjob Machine To See If It Feels Like The Real Thing

My boyfriend Buddy and I haven't been dating long. In fact, he was supposed to be my rebound after my eight-month relationship turned out to be a nonstarter, leaving me brokenhearted. 

But the truth is that we connect in a way that surprises me daily. I catch myself grinning goofily just thinking about him. You know, that and other clichés. I have yet to twirl around in the rain singing about him, but that's not totally outside the realm of possibility.

In the immortal words of that one owl from Disney's Bambi, I'm well and thoroughly twitterpated. 

One of the things I adore about Buddy is that he's just as much of a pervert as I am. He's actually probably a much bigger pervert, but I'll take it. . 

Needless to say, the dude was ready, willing and able to be my guinea pig for all manner of sex toy experimentation and reporting. I don't review a lot of sex toys for men, mainly because I don't have a penis, and because when I receive sex toys for men, I have a tough time finding men willing to use their penises in the name of science and blogging. 

Not so with Buddy. He was ready to get to work. 

The sex toy we decided to review was the Sqweel XT for men. It's a rechargable oral sex simulator that looks not unlike one of those high quality fans by Dyson. I showed it to female friends and our consensus was the same: "Oh my god it looks like it's going to chop your penis off." 

Being a serious journalist, I did a lot of research (read: Googling) and found not one recorded instance of penis chopping. So there's that. 

The men I showed the toy to were much less horrified by the device than the women. This is because men have had their penises for their whole lives, which means they have had their fair amount of experience jamming their penises into strange things in the hopes of getting off. 

After a nice dinner of rosemary chicken, I hopped in the shower. A moment later, the bathroom door opened. "Do you want me to wait and do this in front of you?" He was eager to begin his new career. I didn't have to think about it too long. "Nope," I said, "you go right ahead." 

By the time I was done in the shower, Buddy was still hard at work. He shook his head and said, "It's just a lot of work. And most of this," he gestured to his hard shaft, "I did on my own." Since we both subscribe to a philosophy of waste not, want not, we made use of his erection and then continued on with our evening. 

The problem with the Sqweel is ultimately twofold. The "mouth ring" is lined with a series of soft silicone tongues. Those feel nice, but that's about it. There's no suction, and the device is very much one size fits all.

If you have a penis that's as thick as a coke can and half as tall, this might work for you, but even then the lack of suction and the constant maneuvering of the device make it iffy. 

I have begun testing the Sqweel's other potential uses: personal fan, carrot grater, toe massager. But all of this has yielded equally disappointing results. It's a sleek looking device (I mean, I invoked Dyson, so you know that), but what good are looks if it can't get you where you need to go?