7 Things To Do With Your Big Boobs (Besides Letting Them Hang There)

My boobs are big. We’re not talking a modest C or a full D, we’re talking a DD.

Yeah that’s right, my tits are a European E, wanna fight about it?

Big boobs have been my life since, well, always. I know I wasn’t born with my impressive chesticles, but they’ve been rocking the casbah (the casbah in this case being my body) for so long that it wouldn’t take a lot of convincing to make me think otherwise.

As a woman with big boobs I think I speak for us all when I say it ain’t always easy.

Demure tops on us turn into Hooters uniforms.

You feel like you can’t complain about your back pain for fear someone will accuse you of bragging.

But being big of titty has its advantages. Here are just a few of the different tactics you can take when it comes to exploring new things to do with them tig ol’ bitties.

1. Fend off muggers

Whoa to any flint-hearted robber who thinks fit to cross you. They’ll be so busy reaching for your purse that they won’t know which end is up when

Penelope and Salma bash them on either side of the head.

2. Do a puppet show

With a quick trip to Michael’s there’s nothing that can stop you from turning your breasts into two fun-lovin’ characters sure to entertain the neighborhood children.

I mean, except for like, obscenity laws I guess.

3. Leave your purse at home

They say clutches are ideal for those outings where you don’t have much to carry. But you know what you do still have to carry? The damn clutch.

Leave it at home and tuck your ID, some cash, a lipstick and your keys in the most carefree purse there is: your rack.

4. Steer

If you are a woman with big boobs of a certain bigness and you want to look me in the eyes and swear up and down that you’ve never tried to steer your car with said mams I’m going to go ahead and just assume that you are the world’s biggest liar.

Sincerely, a woman who has boob-steered all of the times.

5. Dress them up as two small pugs

Pretend you are carrying two small quiet pugs around. People will be so excited! They will want to pet them.

You can let them if you want, but remember, people usually don’t like being tricked into touching a boob, especially the boob a crazy woman has dressed up as two pugs.

I call mine Flotsam and Jetsam.

6. Open beer bottles

At a party in college I once watched a guy open a beer bottle by twisting it off on his forearm. It was a tremendous feat. He followed it up by opening his next beer with his TEETH.

Man, can you even imagine the needle scratch on that party if I’d popped the top on my next brew with one of my mouthless mamas? Amazing.

7. Hypnotize your enemies/party guests

If you need to distract an enemy or keep people from leaving your dinner parties too early, a great thing to do is to put two fezzes on your breasts and begin swinging them slowly about like pendulums.

In a matter of minutes any man, woman, child, or beast will be in your thrall.

Be sure to use your powers for good, not evil.