Why We Lose Ourselves In Marriage (And How To Get Your Awesome Self Back!)

Why do we lose ourselves in a relationship? My own marriage was an extreme example of this dilemma. I rushed into things because I got pregnant — not because I was in love. I quickly became a faint shadow of myself to a controlling, verbally abusive man in order to survive and avoid his wrath. Many examples of this problem are less severe, yet just as important to understand and deal with. Women — more than men — have a tendency to get so wrapped up in their relationships that they start giving up parts of themselves thinking they will better please their partner.

We cancel plans with friends, stop our favorite hobbies, and alter our values — not necessarily because we were asked or forced to ... but because we think we’re making him happy. But why do we sacrifice ourselves? We have this notion that we have to be the best at everything and literally give it our all at the expense of our true identity. We want to be the best wife, best mother, best employee, best friend ... but in the process, we deny our own needs to the point that we become a shell of our former selves - that very self that attracted him in the first place!

Continuing this ‘overgiving’ and self-denial really has no benefit. Certainly not to your spouse, who starts wondering where you disappeared to, and definitely not to your children who are looking to you as an example of how to behave. Moreover, this seemingly selfless behavior will ultimately be detrimental to your long-term well-being. How can you be happy if you suddenly realize you don’t know who you are anymore? What happens when you give so much, that you’ve given it all away? Our panel of YourTango Experts have some firm, yet sensitive solutions to offer on this problem.

Our Senior VP Melanie Gorman leads this insightful discussion with Author and Relationship Expert John Gray, Psychotherapist Tabatha Bird Weaver, Marriage & Family Therapist Dr. Foojan Zeine and Marriage & Couples Counselor Garet Bedrosian. They approach this topic from different angles, but ultimately come to similar solutions that are sure to speak to your heart if you’re suffering from loss of self in your relationship.

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Dr. John Gray is a leading relationship expert whose books, including Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus have sold over 50 million copies in 50 languages in 150 countries. He helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. Dorothy Camp is a former contributor to YourTango, a massage therapist, and has over a decade of experience with  Customer Service, Sales Support, and Data Management. Melanie Gorman is the former Senior VP of YourTango Experts. Foojan Zeine is a psychotherapist, Life & Executive Coach, and the author of Life Reset: The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want. Garet Bedrosian is a marriage/couples counselor and a globally recognized expert known for cultivating a safe and nurturing environment in her training programs, enabling individuals to take calculated risks, and facilitating profound personal and professional growth. Tabatha Bird Weaver is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor, and hosts the CPTSD podcast.