I'm Not Afraid Of Being Single, I'm Afraid Of The Sh*tshow Of Dating

Being alone used to be such a terrifying thought for me. When I first moved into my apartment four years ago, I was just five months out of my last long-term relationship and it was a complete shock to my system.

I had only ever lived with a boyfriend, or at the very least, had one when I was living on my own. My new reality having no one to come home to, pay me visits and snuggle up in my bed next to me was a hard one to get used to.

It took me a while but I've seriously conquered the fear of being alone and I'm better than ever at managing my life without that special someone by my side. Though I'm still hopeful to have love in my life again someday, dating has never been more difficult.

This chapter of my single life started innocently. I would meet guys online or in real life and I was giddy with teenage delight every time I got ready to go out on a first date. The hope wasn't just alive in my heart; it burned like a fire that couldn't be extinguished. It seeped from my pores and oozed into every relationship scar I ever wore and blanketed my fears with disgusting optimism.

I was excited for the daydreams I'd have about a guy before a first date. I used to relish the idea that the next time I walked out of the door of my apartment might finally be that last first date I'd been hoping for.

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But all that changed when modern dating culture took a turn for the worst.

I'm not sure what or who to blame for this apocalypse. Was it the birth of Tinder? Was it the rapid advancement of our technology converting us all into lazy sh*theads that can't form real connections thoughtfully? Was it the astounding shift in sexuality that's causing the majority of us singles to strip down and get dirty before even knowing how to spell the person we're bedding's first name, if knowing their name at all?

What happened to our once innocent approach to dating? What happened to admitting feelings without fear and being able to assert our uniqueness without judgment? Why do we now feel the incessant need to "play a part" to earn someone's affections? Why is modern dating such a fake process?

I'm no longer afraid of being alone — I've got that sh*t covered. At one point in time, the thought of being single terrified me, but that's the least of my worries now. I'm more terrified of dating than anything else.

I'm afraid to let someone into my heart at a moment's notice only for them to fall off the map and disappear without warning without so much as a word of goodbye. I'm afraid to drop particles of myself, my memories, my hopes and my dreams onto someone who will only float them away into oblivion.

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I'm afraid to sleep with someone, because sharing the intimacy of sex is no longer coveted and is now just part of the process of sizing someone up as worthy of investment, which leads to no investment at all most of the time. Sex is no longer prized as something that feels most amazing when it's with someone you truly care about and is now a staple ending to a first date that never leads to a second.

I'm afraid that when I hold out in order to get to know the person well enough to form that cherished connection, he'll be gone faster than a wolf pack chasing the moon on a winter's night.

I'm terrified of changing up my independent routine to make space for someone who I fall head over heels into, only to be ripped from my cloud and tossed into back into my shattered earth. My burial plot would read "Here lays the girl who tried to fall but was never caught."

I'm afraid that each and every heartbreak I've survived and every tear I've ever shed will lead to a nothingness that numbs me for eternity.

I'm afraid that no one knows how to date anymore. I'm afraid that my efforts will never be reciprocated because so far most have only been out to fulfill a selfish need for attention, temporary affections, a stroke to their egos or a pit stop in the journey to a love without me.

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But mostly, I'm afraid that I've learned to be alone and single almost to a fault. I'm afraid that I know too well how to brave life on my own and that stepping out of my comfort zone puts me constantly at risk to have my heart broken. Being single is the easy part — it's forming a meaningful and lasting relationship that seems impossible.

I know I have to trust in the process and remain hopeful that one day the madness that is my single girl career will finally be over but I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm destined to be single. After all, I'm good at braving the waters alone — it's the dating thing that has me shaken.