Psychotherapist Reveals Why Your Husband Likely Cheated On You
He made the decision to cheat, so here's how you can understand why.
Elmar Gubisch, Scopio | Canva Many times people say "Men cheat because they can; because it's easy for them." At times, this is true. But more often, in cases of infidelity, the reason men cheat isn't that simple. One explanation rarely fits all. Instead, a mixture of causes typically factors in. The following are some of the REAL reasons why men cheat.
This is why your husband likely cheated on you, according to a psychotherapist:
1. They feel emotionally disconnected
One dominant reason for cheating is a lack of emotional connection. We cheat because we feel a sense of disconnect with ourselves or with our partners. Emotional disconnect is described as a lack of an emotional, spiritual, or intellectual connection with your partner. When we feel ignored, unappreciated, lonely, or neglected, we seek connection with others who can provide us with this basic human need. We might even risk seeking a relationship outside our marriages.
2. They're tempted by lust
Many men admit to cheating mainly for physical or intimate gratification without the desire for an emotional tie. Whether we like it or not, the tendency to cheat is innate and a universal characteristic of human nature. It's part of our makeup. Our evolutionary process has shaped human behavior for better and for worse. Evolution rewards species that survive and reproduce. Our existence was dependent on individuals who were driven and motivated to act on their impulses and craved variations. Accordingly, people today must deal with socially frowned-upon desires which, once upon a time, helped our ancestors successfully produce offspring.
3. They're avoiding intimacy
A deep-seated fear of intimacy can be hard for some men to overcome and may lead them to cheat. It is a protection mechanism. They're scared of intimacy and fear rejection or abandonment, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating. These men cannot trust or allow themselves to rely on anyone, including their wives. They fear getting hurt. Instead of confronting their fears and working with their spouses to develop greater safety and intimacy, they resort to what they know best: running away, having superficial relationships, and betraying the person closest to them.
4. They have low self-esteem
If they don't feel liked, loved, and admired by other people, then some men feel worthless. Endlessly seeking approval from other people and continually seeking to “conquer” another “territory” is a powerful force that pushes men to cheat. When they cheat, they get an instant self-esteem boost from the person they're sleeping with. Unfortunately, this boost is short-lived, leading to even more feelings of emptiness.
5. It was just there (simple and easy)
More than ever today, extramarital intimacy is cheaper and easier to get. Thanks to the internet and mobile devices, it's easier for men to cheat anytime, anywhere. There are plenty of opportunities, the temptations are great, and the desire for immediate gratification increases. Some men simply find it hard to resist their desires, especially when gratification is at their fingertips.
6. They can't control their impulses
No matter how much love a man gets, if he lacks self-control and makes decisions based on impulses, he will never stop betraying his partners. For men, this is a way to feel reassured; whereas for others, it is a challenge and the thrill of the moment. Some men are simply weak and impulsive. When an opportunity presents itself and they're not strong enough to say "no," they cheat. Their strong need blurs their perspective so they don't see beyond themselves and how their actions might hurt others.
7. They want to have their cake and eat it, too
Married men may feel "stuck" between the stability, security, and reassurance of their marriages, and at the same time, their desire for freedom, passion, and excitement. Marriage fulfills the first part and an affair fulfills the second part. Men want both, love from their partner and intimacy with another partner.
8. They don't feel fulfilled
With time, when relationships become stable and comfortable and intimacy frequency decreases, some men crave 'newness' again and go elsewhere to find it. More so, when their wives do not fulfill their desires. Men generally want more intimacy than women, and it's also their way to feel connected to their spouse. When men feel their needs are not being attended to, they can feel rejected or neglected, which will push them to look outside of their marriages.
9. They yearn to feel good and alive
Work pressure, upcoming performance reviews, kids, complaining wives, midlife crises — all these life challenges disappear when a man is immersed in passionate intimacy with anyone but his wife. The affair makes them feel their heart pumping blood into their veins, making them feel alive. It's not surprising that some men who cheat are driven by their inner cavemen. They like to play with fire and add danger and excitement to feel vibrant and full of life.
Whether the causes for infidelity are due to biology, evolution, or simply the desire for newness, the decision of whether to be unfaithful or not is entirely in a man’s control. If a man is in a monogamous relationship, he should ask himself one critical question before he cheats: Is it worth it? He should consider the worst-case scenario, which is breaking his wife's heart and the risk of losing her. Fidelity, at the same time, is a test of a man challenged by his instincts and urges and can serve as an opportunity for man to grow inside and develop deeper intimacy.
Moshe Ratson, Founder and Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage Family Therapy, is an innovative and well-known licensed psychotherapist, MFT supervisor, business consultant, and executive coach.