5 Things ALL Men Do That 100% Guarantee They Won’t Get Laid

Men, I love you.

I really do, and so do most women. We love that your range of masculinity spans from the smart, sensitive bookworm to the brawny, beer-swigging lumberjack (and everyone in between). 

But there are a few things we need you to know about foreplay, because a surprisingly large number of you are getting these seriously wrong.

We know you want to turn us on. We know you want to please us. 

But you're gonna need to STOP doing these five (all too common) totally ridiculous things. 

1.The Boner Alarm Clock

We're sleeping. You're sleeping. You wake up with a boner, and you think we should know about it. 

But we don't need to know about it. We are grown-ass women, so we know you guys wake up hard. 

Here's what women find actually sexy: Sleeping. 

Yes, we love to sleep! Just like you do. In fact, one study says that women need more sleep than men. 

So if you want us to wake up ready to go, let us sleep and keep your boner to yourself. When our eyes do finally open, try smiling, saying something nice (having that nice thing be funny helps, too) and seeing if she's in the mood. If she is, then — and only then — you can commence poking her with your boner. 

2.The Boob Grab

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Boobs are not like a handle on the train. Do not just grab them. Ever. I don't care what sort of signal she's sending you with her eyes, or how good her chest looks in that top, those boobs are not here for you to honk like a bicycle horn. That will literally NEVER turn a woman on. 

Where did you guys get the idea that your lady partner would find you coming up and squeezing her boob sexy? Porn? Did porn teach you this?

Unlearn it. This is for your own good.

3.The Finger Bang

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"Finger banging" is proof that ninth grade locker room talk TOTALLY FAILS to prepare you for actually pleasuring a real human with a vagina.

There are WAY too many grown men in the world who, when first granted access to our parts, immediately dive in and start poking away like there's something inside that you're trying to frighten away.

Don't do this.

Instead, you should know that our genitals are made up of a lot more than just a vagina. There are all sorts of parts around there that need attention before you start probing away. The labia, the inner thigh, the vaginal opening itself.

Go slow. Take your time. Ask and notice what she likes. Do more of those things. There's nothing wrong with digital penetration, just remember that the point of foreplay is to give her pleasure, not just to recreate some stupid thing you saw in porn.

Porn is, in case you hadn't yet noticed, the literal worst way to learn how to give women pleasure. 

4.The Annoying Kitchen Snuggle

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This seems romantic. Just look at the couple in this photo! They look so snuggly. But they're not.

The woman in this photo isn't thinking about how much she loves this guy. Or how much she is just dying to tear his clothes off. 

She's thinking about juice.

She is making some goddamned juice.

She doesn't want to be hugged! She wants to get done making the juice (or doing the dishes, or writing her dissertation, or lubing her bike chain, whatever) and then she might consider some crazy sex with you.

But right now she's busy. So don't come up behind her and hug her. And for god's sake, don't poke her with your boner while she's making juice. Have you learned nothing?!

Instead, tell her how hot you think she looks making juice. Tell her you love her. Make a joke. When she's done, kiss her. Trust me, these things work way better.

5.Tongue Overload

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Guys, we know you love your tongues. We love them, too. Trust us.

But this licking thing is a bit out of control.

First, never lick at us to try to pick us up in a bar (or anywhere, ever). It's basically the creepiest thing you can do. 

Second, you don't need to shove your tongue deep into our mouths when kissing. At least not at first. Tongue involvement should be a slow build when kissing (and some people don't ever like tongue!).

Third, too many guys are overzealous with their tongues when going down on us.

Don't get us wrong, we definitely want you going down on us. And we definitely want your tongues involved. 

But too much tongue on the clitoris right away can be REALLY overwhelming. It's sort of like those old-fashioned prank buzzers that give you a shock when you shake someone's hands. You get down there and suddenly BUZZ!!!! You're lucky we don't kick you or fly out of bed!

Start doing basically anything else with your tongue and mouth when you're down there, and let the clit be something you build up to.

Jordan Gray, who is a sex and relationship coach, says you can learn a lot about how to go down on women by going slow, and having what's called a "spoiling session" for her.

Seems like a good idea. Do that.