What It's Like To Be A Sex Slave In A Real BDSM Relationship

Squeak* was a small, sassy, Jewish girl from Boston and for over a decade she struggled with an eating disorder. She first met Leopold* while walking her dog in Harvard Square. Her pitbull sniffed the 29-year-old man. Squeak remembered him as smiley, friendly, and a bit nerdy.

"I didn't care for him at first," she said. "He seemed harmless, but I thought he was kind of a loser." She gave him her number anyway.

Leopold wanted to meet again so Squeak invited him to visit her at the animal clinic where she worked as the lead kennel technician, in charge of stray dogs brought in by animal control.

She was pleased to find that he was a misogynist. They discussed women in leadership roles — a bad idea," they both agreed. In Squeak's opinion, "Females exist for sex, feeding, cleaning and reproduction." She eventually wanted kids, but no girls, thank you very much.

Leopold was impressed with what seemed like "old-fashioned" values. It was clear that Squeak's support of a man would be absolute. She would never make a man choose his work over her, and she admittedly wasn't ashamed to always be available for back rubs, blow jobs and laundry.

"Why can't girls just keep their mouths shut and focus on doing everything they can to propel their men to greatness?" ;This was music to Leopold's ears.

"He was freakishly tenacious in pursuit of me," said Squeak. "I found that appealing."

And Leopold was no slouch. The young professional consulted from home as a financial analyst for a major technology corporation. Once ranked the top analyst for a Fortune 10, he had also completed two Ironman triathlons, visited all seven continents, performed at Carnegie Hall, and founded an award-winning arbitrage company.

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His accomplishments were displayed in a shrine in his apartment: pictures of triathlons, university logos, honor society membership displays, diploma and trophies. Upon seeing the shrine for the first time, Squeak laughed hysterically and then made fun of Leopold.

"He tried to laugh it off, but he was insulted," she said. "I felt guilty, so I pretended I was impressed."

They hadn't been dating long before Leopold began grooming Squeak for a BDSM-type relationship, an arrangement that would involve erotic practices of bondage, dominance, submission, and sadomasochism. Leopold was the Dominant ("Dom"), Squeak the submissive ("Sub).

"It won't follow a social norm," he said. "But that doesn't mean it won't be enjoyable and valuable." He said that deep down she would enjoy being his Sub. He was right. I knew I was an object to him, but I was his object and he would take care of me," said Squeak.

Though it had been a few years since she left treatment for an eating disorder, she had been hospitalized twice because of severe dehydration and she was vulnerable to being eager to take instructions from a powerful male.

"The girls with eating disorders are easily taken advantage of," she said. He was her savior, and she didn't want to let him down. "The premise for the relationship became that he owned me. I existed for his pleasure and whims."

The rules were laid out. First, she would call him "Sir. When text messaging, if Leopold wrote "2W," meaning "two words," she would have to write "Yes, sir." Second, he was always right and she would follow his instructions without question. Third, her body belonged to him.

She was his comfort slave and existed for his pleasure. "He made me recite these rules during sex. It got him off."

Leopold presented a stack of papers for signing. "Contracts my lawyers drew up," he said. "They serve as proof that the arrangement is consensual." Meaning, they protected him in case Squeak changed her mind and pled rape or assault. Squeak skimmed the text and signed. "I remember thinking, 'This dude is crazy, but whatever.'"

Leopold led Squeak to a closet and revealed several aluminum suitcases filled with sex toys, such as butt plugs, tie beads, and dildos. He then turned the heat up in the bedroom, introducing a variety of sex acts methodically with the intention of desensitizing Squeak.

"He was obsessed with Tiger Lily from Peter Pan," she said. "And he made me act like her during sex." He often used her as a prop during masturbation, throwing her over his shoulder and servicing himself in the mirror. He would then ejaculate in a latex glove, making sure to quickly discard it, afraid that she might steal his seed.

Squeak built up a tolerance for what she called his "shenanigans." By the time he began peeing on her, she had learned to "completely dissociate and just get through it." She knew the relationship wouldn't work long-term, but she couldn't break up with him ;because she was too fragile.

Squeak's eating had become more or less nonexistent. Leopold liked that she was "little like a mouse," hence the name Squeak, but "her weight detracted from my ability to trigger." He told her to gain weight and began weighing Squeak weekly, blindfolding her and then putting her over his shoulder before stepping on the scale. But she didn't gain weight and her body remained abnormally thin and weak.

In a world where she was always at the whims of those who considered her a very sick girl, at the mercy of a man who kept her feeble, dependent and powerless, her eating was the only variable she could control. To eat or not eat. She continually chose the latter.

Leopold said he wasn't a metaphysical guy but he thought that this wasn't their first lifetime together; she had belonged to him for generations.

They moved into an apartment together. No television, tables, or communal hang-out spots. Leopold owned three computers: one for work, one for personal use, and one strictly for pornography, the latter of which doubled as computer for posting to Reddit groups that degraded women, or promoted sex slaves or harems, which he encouraged Squeak to read in her spare time.

Leopold was traveling when Squeak discovered a collection of thumb drives, neatly stacked next to the aluminum cases of sex toys. She snatched a drive and plugged it into her laptop. The disc contained journal entries.

The copious Word documents and Excel spreadsheets contained his perspective on family, religion, money, pop culture and values. Squeak discovered notes on each girl that Leopold had converted to a slave, eight trained victims to date.

He had reflected on Squeak a great deal. He wrote about how he had to quiet her shouting of inappropriate comments, tirelessly bear her thoughtless criticisms, and spend his waking moments trying in vain to keep her out of harm's way. Squeak smiled and rolled her eyes as she read.

Squeak stole more thumb drives and sifted through Leopold's musings. Leopold would capture a thought about a summer movie or predict a coming trend like the rise of fitness programs in an age of obesity. There were also detailed notes describing his ascent to power in business.

She read in the notes that Leopold's father, always the stoic, showed no emotion after his brother's car accident, even as Leopold cried in front of him while his brother fought for his life. Leopold thought about the insanity of keeping up appearances.

The reflections displayed the mind of a profoundly sad soul. Unhappy that his professional life was a mindless rat race, overwhelmed by the incessant strategizing, the politicking and womanizing, but most especially that his brother didn't recognize him after waking from his coma. While his brother did recover, Leopold wrote that he must become more independent. The accident was a reminder in mortality.

Leopold began accelerating his plan to build a harem of slaves.

"It was awful sitting home while he went on dates," says Squeak. She said she had Stockholm syndrome, a psychological phenomenon in which hostages exhibit empathy toward their captors. Victims of trauma can also exhibit similar sympathy or positive emotions toward their abusers, adopting the same values as an aggressor so they are no longer perceived as a threat.

"It helped if he could reassure me that I was superior to the other girls," said Squeak. And she was, according to him. After a date or sexual encounter, Leopold would tell Squeak about how trashy and classless his date had been. If Leopold advanced a girl past the first date, she went through a rigorous due diligence. A girl was untouchable until proven clean.

"He was obsessed with contracting a STD, like Syphilis or HIV." In fact, when they first met he was convinced a dog bite on Squeak's leg was Herpes. Once a girl proves herself disease-free, he determined if they could commit to his harem. Then they worked their way up with time, service and good behavior.

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Leopold rented a house a hundred miles north of Boston, leaving Squeak behind. He became more possessive with the woman he had cultivated, having sex with only those who were committed to being future live-in playmates.

Squeak became so burdened by the prospect of being replaced, she began to distance herself from Leopold. Then, Leopold found his breeder. He told Squeak, "She's beautiful and stable but communicating with her is like talking to a wall." And though he loved the breeder's messed up personality, she couldn't keep pace with his sex drive.

Leopold hatched a plan for Squeak to tell the breeder about his tendencies: that he couldn't be monogamous and that his ideal life was a polyamorous one. He arranged a dinner for the three of them, and told the breeder that Squeak was a childhood friend. But the breeder dismissed the dinner conversation as a joke.

Two weeks later, Squeak texted her. "I told her the stone cold truth. Who I really was and what Leopold's intentions were for her." That wasn't the life the breeder wanted, so she freaked out and confronted Leopold. But after all that, they're currently engaged.

Though time passed and Squeak and Leopold grew apart, she checked in with Leopold via text.

"I don't know why I'm texting, since I'm out of the club," she wrote.

He wrote back, "You will always be a part of my life. Just like if you move from another country you always check the news from your home country."

"How's the empire coming?" she asked.

He wrote that the breeder's training was coming along but that his appetite was stronger than ever. "Fifty Shades of Grey has primed every girl on the planet for my model." New slaves told him he's just like the Dom in the novel/film.

He said he was horny and asked for pictures. She denied. He insisted on a tryst. She refused. He made the case that they still loved each other, hence the present communication.

"Wouldn't it fun to be my mistress again, my secret little pet?"

He told her to arrive at his house by 5:25 PM. Several minutes passed without a response.

"I'm going out for ice cream with my dad," wrote Squeak. "I want you in my life, but my health is more important now."

"Acknowledge that I will always be your Master and that your body belongs to me."

Squeak didn't respond. She hasn't to this day.

"Did I love him? He was a savior. I shifted my dependence on him."

She's also thinks she doesn't have to sacrifice her own goals in support of a man, and intends to use her privilege to help those struggling. She eats more, too. She doesn't see another treatment in her future, which is important because treatment always makes her worse.

"It's not about weight, body dysmorphia, or calories. It's about control." Which is something that she never had with Leopold, something she's always working on with her parents. For the first time in a long time, Squeak feels like she's the one with her hands on the steering wheel.

*names have been changed

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Dustin Grinnell is a writer based in Boston. His creative nonfiction has appeared in such publications as New Scientist, Vice, Outside Online, The Boston Globe, The Washington Post, The Philadelphia Inquirer, Writer's Digest, Salon and Narratively, among others. He is also the author of two sci-fi/adventure novels – The Genius Dilemma and Without Limits.