6 Truths About Loving A Woman With A Dirty Sense Of Humor

My mom has a problem with my sense of humor. Since I'm 32 and I don't live at home (thank you, sweet sexy apple cobbler), this isn't a conflict that comes up that often. That said, whenever I'm at home visiting I inevitably make an inappropriate remark about Sting (read: "He can walk through my fields of gold any day!").

I'm on the receiving end of a lecture about my gross sense of humor. To which I say, "TWADDLE!" It's good that I'm gross. Being gross and being a woman is important. I've written down six important truths you need to know about women with a dirty sense of humor. Join me, won't you? 

1. We love the sounds our bodies make.

As a crass woman I'm perpetually delighted in each and every fart, gasp, sigh, rumble, queef, or slap my body produces. Because these auditory treasures fill me with such gladness, I tend to talk about them. Verily, never shall I be the one who denied it, and thus supplied it. 

2. We're completely shameless.

Being shameless doesn't come naturally to me. True story, I recently saw a woman trip on the street and yelled "Sorry!" like I was in anyway responsible for her untied laces. I worked hard to be all IDGAF about my tragicomic pit stains. If I've got vanilla ice cream on my face, I'll wipe it off, but not before I make a joke that will most likely involve semen. 

3. We're feminists.

Any vulgar woman worth her salt is proud of being a woman who exists on planet earth. We might joke about walking a little funny from a night of rough plowing, but that's our joke to make. If you slut-shame us, if you're grossed out by us, if you body-shame us, that's your prerogative, sure, but we're here to tell you ain't OK ... and we probably will.

4. We love bad jokes.

Q: What's the difference between jam and jelly?

A: I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

5. We bring people together with laughter.

If I make a fart joke around my dad, he frequently expresses his disgust about low-brow humor. But here's the thing: since the dawn of man it's those basic (in the literal sense) things like sh*tting and pissing and eating and sex-having that united us all as human beings! Not being able to laugh at a hearty belch is akin to denying your humanity. 

6. We use a multitude of humor types.

I can think boner gags are funny and still be a person capable of seriousness and gravitas. All of us can; we're human beings and as such there isn't much we can't do, and that includes getting snot stuck on our face AND discussing Hegel.

Being a dirty-joking woman means being strong and wry, and funny and human, and capable of admitting you aren't perfect, and that you shouldn't have to be.