Psychologist Says These 5 Things Often Drive Honest People To Lie
Even genuinely honest people sometimes bend the truth, and here are the surprising reasons why.
Kateryna Hliznitsova | Unsplash You’ve probably heard the term “little white lie” a thousand times, a term used to describe the kind of harmless fib that men and women tell every day. Not all lies are indeed devious or harmful, but the point is that you have to be clear about the purpose of the lie, regardless of who tells it.
First, through my experience as a clinical psychologist, I will review the most basic reasons for lying in dating and relationships, and I will then share some of the more subtle reasons why honest people lie. You’ll see that I rotate the pronouns because men and women are guilty of the same types of lies, and they are motivated by the same reasons.
Here are the things that most often drive honest people to lie:
1. To impress you
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Lying to make oneself look more impressive is the most pervasive motivation for lying in dating and romantic relationships. The root of the problem is that most men and women don’t have great self-esteem.
They often feel that they aren’t very desirable or appealing physically, or they don’t see themselves as particularly charming, intelligent, or interesting. (Nonsense, right?) To make up for their self-perceived inadequacies, someone may lie to make himself appear more interesting or successful.
How to deal with this lie: If you feel like your date is embellishing parts of his life to impress you, make an effort to reassure him. Say, "What I am looking for more than anything is someone sweet and honest, so the added impressive details are great but not necessary!”
2. To avoid something
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Your date may lie because she is trying to avoid any number of things: a kiss, a date, spending more time together, or meeting your friends or family, among other possibilities. Most people, in general, don’t love confrontations, so lying as a form of avoidance makes intuitive sense, even though it is a problem that hurts many relationships.
How to deal with this lie: If you feel like someone is lying to avoid something, ask them in a non-attacking manner,” Would you be okay with telling me if you didn’t want to do something? I hope so because I want to be able to tell you honestly when I don’t want to do something, too.”
People lie for various reasons, ranging from altruistic motives to self-serving ones. They can lie to protect others, avoid punishment, gain rewards, or maintain personal privacy. Research on the psychology of lying found that lying can be linked to personality traits, social dynamics, and cognitive processes.
3. To hide something
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We all know what we’re talking about when it comes to infidelity. Men and women lie every single day to hide the fact that there is someone they are talking to online or in person, or because they have gone so far as to be intimate with someone else.
How to deal with this lie: If you just start dating someone and discover that he has lied about an intimate indiscretion, consider packing your bags and moving on. While it is arguably more complicated if a partner cheats on you after many years together, the situation should be simple if someone new lies to hide his unfaithfulness.
A 2023 study found that lying and cheating, while distinct, can share overlapping psychological roots and consequences. Both often stem from a desire to avoid conflict, protect feelings, or create a favorable image, and both can lead to a breakdown of trust, emotional distress, and potentially the end of a relationship.
4. To avoid making a decision
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One of the most common reasons why people lie has to do with discomfort and difficulty with making decisions. Your date may lie because he isn’t sure what he wants, so he defaults to lying because that feels easier and faster in the moment than figuring out what he wants.
How to deal with this lie: If you’re dating a guy who lies because he’s indecisive, overall he will come across as a good guy, albeit one who is too passive. If you sense that the root problem is indecisiveness, say, “If you need more time to decide, get back to me tomorrow and let me know.” Removing the pressure is key to getting him to tell you the truth — and not lie in the future.
5. To manipulate
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Do you know how singer Vanessa Williams sang a song about saving the best for last? Well, I saved for the worst reason for the last.
While most men and women you date won’t be prone to lies and manipulation, you will encounter a manipulator or two in the dating pool. If you’re dating a woman who lies due to a generally manipulative personality style, you can see other clues for this twisted orientation.
She often loves to be the center of attention; she always casts herself in a sympathetic light (either sweet and loving, or a victim in some way); and she tends to have stormy friendships and romantic relationships.
How to deal with this lie: If you’re dating a woman who lies in a way that feels manipulative (to gain power over you or others), be clear that you don’t feel like you can =trust her. When you explain why, give her specific examples. However, you must understand that this personality style is extremely difficult to change, so you need to ask yourself if you want to sign in for months or years of this type of destructive behavior.
Research has concluded that lying can be a manifestation of psychological distress or personality disorders. Individuals who lie frequently may experience loneliness and reduced social connection.
The ultimate goal is to find a partner who doesn’t lie with regularity and who doesn’t lie about anything meaningful. If you start dating someone and catch them in more than one or two lines in the first month, you have to realize that you may be dealing with a pathological liar — and that kind of person can destroy your self-esteem.
Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and TV guest expert. He treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships and parenting. He is the author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
