The 6 Cringeworthy Stages Of Reaallyyyy Bad Sex

By Laura Lifshitz

You know how some people say there is no such thing as bad pizza — bad chocolate — bad sex? Guess what? They were wrong!

There is such a thing as bad sex and enduring it — well, enduring it requires the patience of a saint and the desire to avoid smacking the crap out of your bedmate.

Here are the six stages every woman goes through while she's dealing with a round of horrifically awful sex:

1. Maybe it’s me

You’re thinking, “Perhaps it’s something I’m doing wrong.” You think if maybe you simply changed up your body language, techniques, responsiveness, or verbiage that maybe, just maybe, this sexy time might start to feel less painful and more pleasurable. It must be you sending the wrong signals and that’s why this man is treating your body like he’s a savage beast and not a human being. That has to be the reason, right?!

2. Finding the positives

Well, at least he didn’t bite, pull, poke, or do X-, Y-, or Z-thing that you hated from the start. At least he stopped doing that!

You start to find the little positive moments in this bedroom tryst, of which there are few and far between.

3. It’s not going to get better, is it?

At some point, a woman accepts that, wow, it’s not going to get better and this dude doesn’t know what he's doing, does he? This realization is a hard one. You wish that somehow you could magically fly out of the room without him knowing. You wish more that perhaps you had a body double. You wish thrice more that you had stayed home to watch a Gilmore Girls marathon on Netflix instead.

4. What are you doing to me?

Now you’re moving around a bit and making some complaints like, “That hurts,” or “Can you slow down a bit?” and “Stop poking my lady parts like you’re stabbing someone.”

OK, the last one only the brave would dare utter. But no matter how shy or how bold, this is the stage in which you start to protest this horror. Cutting your ex’s toenails would have been sexier than this nonsense. You’re wondering if this person has ever met a woman before, much less had sex with her.

5. Fantasy Land

While you pray for this to be over, your brain starts to envision sexier times in your sex life in order to make this go a little faster. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work as efficiently as you would like, and even if the guy lasts five minutes, it feels like five thousand.

6. Polite Act

It’s over! You are so happy you could almost hug this person and thank them for finally finishing, but you don’t. Instead, you give a quick peck on the cheek or lips and then run to the bathroom. If it’s your husband/boyfriend/fiancé, you roll your eyes and wonder why he is so lame. If it’s a date, you look around for the nearest exit plan and you promise yourself to change your number and block the guy in every possible way.

Ladies, all sex is not created equal. Don’t be afraid to tell someone that “Hey — this doesn’t work for me.” I myself finally had the guts to do so and let me tell you . . . it was incredibly thrilling and empowering to tell someone, “Hey — that sucked and you are selfish in bed.”

Speak up, girls!