7 Fascinating Insights About Who You Choose To Marry — And Why
You can't always help who you're drawn to.
AS project / Shutterstock Have you ever met someone that you seemed to click with, and knew almost instinctively you needed that person in your life? Did you immediately know that will be who you choose to marry?
Why do some people resonate with us so strongly while others fail to make any kind of impression at all?
Well, there are many reasons why you feel such a soul-deep connection to someone from the moment you met. You probably even know that they are the one you are going to marry one day.
In 2016, family psychologist and author Irina Chesnova explored why we react so strongly to certain people, and what it takes to build a lasting relationship with them.
Here are 7 fascinating insights about who you choose to marry — and why.
1. They trigger flashes of our past for us.
Deep inside our psyches, we hold images of the people who played significant parts in our lives as we grew up. These people made us who we are today.
The images of parents, neighbors, and relatives are a combination of reality and how we remember it through our childhood imagination.
"We associate these images with love — the love we received and understood when we were children. We cannot pass and remain indifferent," says Chesnova. "We are intrigued, worked up, and very soon, in love."
2. They remind us of our parents.
Sometimes a person that you connect with in a strong way reminds us of one of your parents in a very specific way, either good or bad.
If you didn't get the love you needed from your mother or father, you may try to heal some of your childhood trauma at a subconscious level with this new person.
"We often choose [in our companions of life] the one who, we believe, will help heal the wounds of childhood, to [help] realize the psychological needs, expectations, hopes, and dreams, and find all the things we were once deprived of: love protection, recognition, admiration, and maybe even the independence, self-importance, and perfection," Chesnova explains.
3. They complete us.
When you find the right person, you feel comfortable and at home with them. They seem to give you something that you lacked before and the same is true for them.
Each person complements the other, fitting together like the pieces of a puzzle.
Chesnova says, "He's reasonable and she's more impulsive. He's reticent and you're spontaneous. He's tough whereas you are flexible."
4. They're in the same place in life as us.
We find people who are able to play a role in our play, and who instinctively know the plot and the themes. Yes, it's a play that you write together.
5. Their relationship with us is constantly changing.
At the start of a relationship, people have a tendency to hide their real feelings and at the same time see a perfect version of their partners. Eventually, the rose-colored glasses come off, and one is able to see a regular person with their own set of weaknesses and flaws.
What does one do at this point? You either break up, go off in disappointment and find someone new, or you learn to accept and even appreciate their imperfections.
Chesnova says, "Learn to negotiate, to respect differences, and to recognize the right of everyone to not be the ideal."
6. They don't try to change us.
Don't lose sight of all the good aspects of their personalities, because it's these qualities you'll be able to depend on during your life together (and it was those characteristics that attracted you to them in the first place).
You want a relationship where each person supports the other. If you force someone to change, they'll start to resent you.
7. They have what we need for a successful relationship.
The tools of a good partnership are communication, positive interactions, no blaming, no accusing, no manipulating, and having a mutual desire to compromise and speak about pain and conflict.
Relationships can be tricky things to get right. For some people, it seems to come easily; for others, they work and work and it remains challenging.
In reality, no matter how easily a couple might appear to have it, there's a lot of work going on that the casual observer can't see.
Christine Schoenwald is a writer and performer. She's had articles in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, Bustle, Medium, and Woman's Day. Visit her website or her Instagram.