5 No-Good-Very-Bad Masturbation Habits That Are RUINING Your Man's Sex Life

Guys don't talk about masturbation.

Guys don't talk to other guys about masturbation. And guys certainly don't talk to other guys about masturbation if they think those guys are doing it wrong.

But guys, we HAVE to talk about masturbation. It's not your fault you got an early start. Doctors say male fetuses get erections in the womb. They even diddle themselves from time to time, which is amazing considering the limited Internet access.

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A pubescent boy discovers his orgasm much like a secret weapons cache in Call of Duty. He's heard about it, he knows it's awesome, but it usually blows up in his face a couple of times before he gets the hang of it.

But the habits that boys carry into their teen years and on to college can ruin their sex lives as men. So, ladies, if your man has any of these habits, he needs to reevaluate himself or your sex life may be in danger.

1. He's always in a hurry to finish.

The first time he did it, he was embarrassed. The first 87 times he did it, he was embarrassed. And that's just the first week. He worried someone was going to find out. That somebody might walk in and catch him red-handed. Or worse, lotion-handed.

So, he came up with a genius idea: the bathroom! He could lock the door without suspicion. He wouldn't be bothered by anybody, not without their knocking first.

But he couldn't stay in there too long, so he slipped inside the loo and loofah-ed his Oompa Loompa as fast as he could. He savored a split-second of sweet relief before joining the family in the living room like a pickpocket blending in with a crowd.

And when he took that way of thinking into the bedroom with a living, breathing woman, guess what? He came too g*ddamn fast.

It's called "premature" ejaculation because he was supposed to fix that "pre" having grown up sex with a "mature," grown-ass woman. You're disappointed, he's humiliated, and he fast-forwarded through all the best parts.

2. He doesn't like foreplay.

Foreplay? Who's got time for foreplay? He's got a two-minute deadline. He's jettisoning stupid crap like foreplay like an astronaut trying to hit escape velocity.

Plus, foreplay is for chicks, right? He's a dude. He's good to go 24/7. He's a man with a mission. So that leaves — what? Some kind of genital contact.

Which, because he's not taking his time, has only one goal: his O face, as in "Oh my f*cking god you came already? What the f*ck is wrong with you?"

Sure, he may be that rare gentleman who considers it his duty to engage in a bit or smidgen of foreplay. At best, he's clumsy. At worst, he's impatient. He rushes everything. He's frustrated, you're aggravated, and he should just Netflix and Chill the f*ck out.

3. He's not expressive.

When he was that kid in the bathroom, a teen in his bedroom or a college guy in his dorm room, getting caught was the most mortifying thought in the world. So not only was he fast; he was quiet. He was a knuckle-shuffling ninja.

Now he's so uptight, he can't express himself in bed. He's got two settings: "Airplane Mode" and "Oh yeah, suck my dick!"

And the latter is more about him alone in his own head space than the two of you together — his own self-centered pleasure, not a give-and-take with another person.

4. He's watched WAY too much porn.

Or really, he's spent hours watching porn for that one 12-second clip that would do it for him that night. Which makes him the opposite of impatient — it makes him meticulous.

Everything has to be just right or he can't get into it. Or he winds up bending you, posing you, pounding you until you're not even there.

Or, he's an "idiosyncratic masturbator," which sounds like what they call Lady Gaga when she rubs one out. It means he can't come while f*cking.

He's literally choking his figurative chicken when he masturbates. He's applying so much lube, torque and pressure that a factory-standard, street-legal vagina can't possibly compete.

5. He's ashamed.

Combine all the above, stir in a dash of religion, add just a hint of conquest culture, and you've got the recipe for a lousy sex life.

He's ashamed for wanting sex. He's ashamed trying to chat women up for sex. When one or two or 10 brush him off, he feels humiliated by all of them.

If he manages to convince a woman he's worthy of doing the freak-nasty with ... well, she must be stupid. She must be a slut. She's definitely not someone to whom he can admit he likes sex.

If he admits he enjoy sex with her, even a little, that means she can withhold sex from him. Which means she has power over him. And That. Can't. Happen. Ever.

His parents may grudgingly have given him the sex talk. But Mom and Dad probably skipped the ways and means of jerking off.

I'm not going to teach him how to jerk off, either. I can't tell him what's bad or good for his own life. I can't judge him, his fetishes or what gets him off.

But the above problems are more common than you think. My intention is to offer him a positive framework to make sex more enjoyable in the context of his own sick, demented proclivities.

We live in a conquest culture. Men are encouraged to keep score. Guys learn to view masturbation as a substitute for sex, a non-alcoholic beer in the Tavern of Nookie, a counterfeit pleasure to sip and pretend until we can get our hands on the real stuff.

Or we view masturbation as practice, a wine cooler to be chugged one after another in the pursuit of an authentic, manly man's buzz.

Great sex takes relaxation and effort, effort and relaxation. So masturbation is an adjunct to sex at the same time something that's yours and yours alone, something to be shared with your partners, and something that informs the quality of your sex life for years.

So, he needs to take his time. He might learn some things about himself. And if he ever runs into me in the bathroom somewhere, he definitely shouldn't offer to shake my hand.