Ladies AND Gentlemen: 13 'Golden Rules' For Going Down On Your Lover

1. The golden rule of manners as it pertains to dining downtown is this:

Consider it the equivalent of a free meal at a Gordon Ramsay restaurant. It’s a sheer delight simply to be there! So act like it.

2. When the best chefs in the country insist that there be no salt and pepper shakers on the tables then their dishes do not require salt or pepper, and to request either would be an insult.

A courteous diner eats everything exactly the way the host suggests they do, and exactly the way it is presented to them. Don’t contradict directions with comments such as, “But my ex used to love it when I did that,” or “But I have been practicing that move all week!” or the unforgivably tactless, “Well! If this isn’t the worst I’ve ever tasted!”

3. Don’t expect your partner to know exactly how you like it. 

Offer hints, always phrased in positives. Recommended nudges include “Right there oh my God yes” and “Please, sir, may I have some more?” 

4. Never push someone down by the shoulders, use their ears as a steering wheel, or accelerate the pace by pushing on their head as if it were a toilet plunger.

These are NOT “hints.”

5. Understand that a chef must eat, too.

Oral pleasure is a reciprocal activity: you cannot expect to receive head any more often than you proffer it.

You may request oral pleasure without reciprocity on the following occasions: it’s your birthday (no half-birthdays); you’ve been laid off; your favorite team lost (major championship games only, no mid-season games); your pet just died (in the case of goldfish passing on, it’s the giver’s call); you styled your short & curlies according to your partner’s preferences; your partner lost the “guess how many pennies are in the jar for free oral sex” contest; your partner fell asleep that last time you went down on them.

6. Don’t be grossed out by making out with your partner after they’ve just given you head.

That said, if you yourself happen to be a particularly sloppy eater, it’s nice to subtly wipe your mouth on the sheet or on the back of your hand mid-ascent.

7. Keep a clean “house” when expecting company.

If any bathroom wipes since your last shower were not clean ones, then for the love of all that’s good and holy, take another shower (especially if you favor the triple-padded, terribly soft, clingy brand of toilet paper).

And remember: pubic topiary is a matter of aesthetics, not hygiene.

8. Avoid ingesting anything that causes the taste or smell down there to be slightly “off.”

Common culprits include asparagus, coke (not the trademarked kind), cigarettes, red meat, and coffee.

9. Make occasional eye contact while giving head, but avoid engaging in staring competitions.

It’s fine to close your eyes while receiving if that helps you get to your happy place — especially for the ladies who may need a little help staying focused — though it’s polite to occasionally take a peek to check in on your partner.

And know this: a mid-sesh wink, by either party, is extremely hard to pull off with grace.

10. Never say, “You look like you have a pube mustache, ha ha ha!” or “Yeah, baby, walk like an Egyptian!”

...or anything else implying your partner looks like anything other than a sex god/dess down there.

11. Just as it would be inappropriate to make fake gagging noises if Gordon Ramsay served you escargot, it’s uncool to treat a stray pubic hair as something, well, like snails.

Simply remove it with your fingertips without any fuss or take a large gulp of water while maintaining a gracious expression. Don’t try to make light of the situation by flossing with it.

12. Never hum while giving head during the first two months of a relationship.

Not everyone is a fan (i.e. 99 percent of the population). At the very least, ask before you begin a wordless rendition of “Wrecking Ball” on their junk.

13. If orgasm has not been reached after 30-minutes, then either party is well within their rights to call an end to the oral.

Saving your partner or yourself from lockjaw is the right thing to do.