Pads Vs. Tampons: What Your Choice Say About Your Personality

It was a Thursday afternoon, hot but otherwise uneventful, when I felt the cramps begin: the knotted kind in my lower abdomen which felt like a wet towel being rung out by Arnold Schwarzenegger in his bodybuilding days — a wet towel that had been frozen and was forcefully being "defrosted" by his oversized hands and vice-like grip.

Did I mention the "towel" was my ovaries? Instead of popping an Advil, I plopped my daughter — and myself — on the couch, turned on Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse and went to the internet.

No, I wasn't searching for home remedies or working on a nasty, hormone-induced email to an ex. Instead, I went to search one thing — one admittedly bizarre statement — "women who buy pads versus tampons demographic info."

You didn't see that coming, did you? If you did, kudos; your search history must be as bizarre and disturbing as mine. If not, it's OK. Welcome to the other side of normal.

Anyway, back to the search. I wanted to know what marketers knew, or assumed, about us, i.e what do our feminine hygiene purchases say about our personality type? Here's what I found**:

Pad wearers...

• sport a short, semi-trimmed bush.

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• rarely wear skin tight clothes, for obvious reasons.

• are under the age of 14; over the age of 40; in an airport, waiting to board and with no other choice; or in that 6-week postpartum period when tampons are banned, and you couldn't keep them in anyway. (Forget "hot dog down a hallway;" it'd be like putting a pencil in the Holland Tunnel.)

• are married, uninterested, or so goddamn confident that they don't care if their significant other opens the trash only to find a winged rag soaked in brownish blood that hardly seems natural. (Don't worry; I know you wrapped that sucker up in the thin plastic sheath the new pad came in. But I also know that pads have a mind of their own, and they always manage to pop free, breaking that pastel-colored pack open.)

• are forward thinkers. Not only will pads catch period blood, but they also act as an extremely absorbent surface for peespray from a ill-timed sneeze or — god forbid — a wet fart.

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• live a fairly sedentary lifestyle. Seriously, have you ever tried to run in a pad or ... worse, practice yoga?

• own no less than one 5-pack of Hanes Her Way "period" panties.​

Tampon users...

• are in their late teens or 20s.

• look like they're straight out of a Bud Light Lime commercial.

• want to go swimming. (Seriously, f*ck Aunt Flo. I paid $3,000 for this Disney vacation and I will NOT let a little blood stand in the way of having a cold cocktail in the kiddie pool.)

• are childless, unless it's pool time and then, well, see above.

• are free spirits (i.e. they like the ability to jump and squat and start a kick line whenever, and wherever, they damn well please).

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• are free spirits who hate the environment. That's right; unlike pads, tampons are NOT biodegradable.

• are free spirits who throw a middle finger up to Mother Earth while rocking skinny jeans and a semi-sexy thong. Semi-sexy because Sisqo said so, but "eh" because you know damn well you're rocking your second string thongs — the ones with overextended elastic and stains from last month.

Oh, and then there's the "cup crowd" which, in essence, means you're an earth-loving, patchouli-soaked raw vegan. Which is cool and all, if that's your thing, but I'm not shoving a dixie cup in my crotch anytime soon.

So, cup-excluded, am I a pad or tampon gal: both. Now figure me the f*ck out!

**Note: 90 percent of all "facts" on the internet are made up, and none of the statistics presented in this article are true ... unless you believe them. So laugh, seriously, because you just spent five minutes of your life reading feminine product nonsense.