10 Batsh*t Crazy Reasons Women Should Do ALL The Cooking

As our country moves toward a more inclusive society — one that promotes gender equality through equal pay for the sexes and acknowledges women's contributions in fields as diverse as entertainment, science, and women's sports — there is a fear that shifting gender roles may cause a rift in our patriarchal social fabric.

But rather than hide from this fear, we must make it part of our national conversation, drag it into the open, and tickle it until it cries out in submission. We must acknowledge that change is real and unavoidable, and then take a stance, no matter how indefensible, that in order to move forward we must look to the past. 

For example, am I supposed to stand back without comment and watch as my wife abandons the kitchen for the boardroom? The laundry room for the laboratory? The changing table for the operating table? No!

As a standard man, I have mostly unevolved feelings on sensitive gender issues, but they obviously carry greater weight than my female contemporaries, which is why I'm unafraid to take a hardline stance in such a public forum:

A WOMEN'S PLACE IS IN THE KITCHEN. 

Many of you reading this may be a woman or women, and I get it. But before you start sending hatemail telling me why a man has no right to tell a woman her place, I'd like you to carefully consider the following ten reasons why women should continue to do all the cooking, no matter where their careers take them. It's a list backed up by science, scholarship and quite a few visits to Yahoo! Answers.

This is why women should do all the cooking.

1. Women are curvier, and are therefore able to move more aerodynamically.

Men are chiseled slabs of granite whose natural wind resistance makes them slow and lumbering. They're good for tenderizing meat, but not much else.

2. The female bosom acts as a natural buffer against food spillage during tastings.

Forcing an uncoordinated, flat-chested man to test out food almost guarantees kitchen surfaces that resemble nothing less than a slaughterhouse floor.

3. An apron will never touch the floor.

In the event of sudden apron string disengagement, an apron will only fall as far as a woman's hips, where it will gently alight, thereby avoiding greater food exposure. If that same apron were fastened to a man, the plunging protective garment would find no purchase on his skinny, slender hips and fall right to the floor, resulting in almost certain clothing ruin. 

4. Women are biologically predisposed to take care of whatever is in "the oven."

Whether that's a real oven (literal) or their uterus (figurative oven).

5. In the animal kingdom, females nurture ... and males watch TV and drink beer.

Hens (female chickens) take care of and nurture the egg while roosters (man chickens) don't. It can therefore be fairly extrapolated, per natural law, that a human woman should be expected to take care of egg preparation, be it scrambled, over easy, or as an omelet with ham and black olives thrown in to spice things up.

6. It’s called The Joy of Cooking, not The Roger of Cooking.

Joy is a lady's name. It's a cookbook named after a lady. Don't argue with the Library of Congress. 

7. Women's menstrual cycles are known to attract wild animals.

Which is an ideal scenario for a woman who finds herself facing a bare cupboard. In a similar situation, a man would surely perish due to lack of meat.

8. Cooking is proof that women can excel at anything.

If you've read this far, you're clearly looking for ammunition to refute the idea that a woman belongs in the kitchen. Shame on you. Why can't women excel in the kitchen as they excel elsewhere? You're clearly part of the problem.

9. Two words: small fingers.

The Prophecy hath foretold that only a person with fingers small and delicate enough to assemble fresh ravioli will lead humankind to salvation. You don't want to mess with The Prophecy, do you?

10. Men are tired.

I've had a long day, and just ... I can't do cereal again. You know how my mom taught you how to prepare that chicken and rice recipe I like? Can you make that? I promise I'll do breakfast tacos sometime this weekend. Maybe.

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In summation, this is a joke. It's not a real list. As such, we respectfully ask that you refrain from becoming outraged, raising a stink, sending belligerent tweets, condemning the article on Facebook, calling your Congressperson, creating a virulent hashtag, or otherwise writing a well-intentioned thinkpiece.