10 Things You Must Know Before Loving A Sarcastic Woman

I've been told I'm sarcastic and most of my friends appreciate my quick wit.

Now and then, I run across someone who doesn't get my humor. I had a date with a guy I'd met on an online dating site last week. We started talking and he asked, "How many kids do you have?" I responded, "I have 6. Yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

The waiter stopped by to take our order and my date asked me, "Do you drink?" I answered with, "Did you not hear the part about 6 kids?" He continued to stare, solemn-faced, waiting for me to answer him. I knew right then that there was no chance of a relationship with this guy.

Not everyone can appreciate the utter brilliance of a sarcastic person. Not everyone "gets it." Not everyone can handle dating someone with a sarcastic sense of humor. Can you?

11 things you need to know before embarking on a relationship with a sarcastic woman:

1. Sarcasm is our defense mechanism.

Sarcastic people aren't cold and heartless; quite the opposite is true. We just can't let people know we have actual feelings. Admitting we're sensitive, emotional people is like kryptonite to a sarcastic person — it destroys our invincibility.

If you bare your soul to us and tell us a sad story, chances are we'll make a smart aleck comment lest we burst into tears and prove that under our hard exteriors we have a soft, chewy center.

2. Sarcastic women don't take compliments very well.

I was recently dating a guy who asked me, "Why do you roll your eyes and give a sarcastic comment every time I tell you you're beautiful?"

I think I responded with, "Yes, I'm a super-model. I have a photo shoot tomorrow for a plastic surgeon. He wants some 'before pictures' for his advertising." We're no longer dating.

3. Sarcastic women only appreciate compliments where you tell us we're funny.

That kind of compliment is golden. We eat that up because we think we're hilarious. And we usually have tens of fans who think we're hilarious, too.

If you tell us we're funny, we decide then and there that you're worthy. You "get us" and there is nothing hotter than that.

4. Sarcastic women want you to dish it right back to us.

If you want to date us, you have to be quick on your toes. There's nothing more pathetic than a man curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, and whimpering about how mean we are. We want a man who will fling the sarcasm right back at us.

5. Not all of our sarcasm is mean.

Sarcasm has a connotation of being mean-spirited, and although it  can be, it doesn't have to be. Sometimes it's just funny.

I tend to be very sarcastic, but I rarely say anything hurtful. I have a deep appreciation for irony, and a large amount of the time my sarcasm is directed at me. I reserve the mean sarcasm for special occasions.

If you don't want mean-spirited sarcasm directed toward you, don't be stupid and you'll be fine.

6. Sarcastic women are smart.

People who use sarcasm are wicked smart. Really. There are studies. People who use and "get" sarcasm are adept at understanding linguistics — body language, tone, and social cues.

Our brains really have to work harder to interpret all the cues that make, "Good job!" actually mean, "You're a moron and I don't know how you manage to dress yourself every day."

7. Sarcastic women display sarcasm at inappropriate times.

We can't help it because we don't have an on/off switch. Sometimes the snarkiness comes out at the wrong times. When I'm nervous, I develop "diarrhea of the mouth," where the words just pour out in a steady stream with no end in sight. It's like the filter between my brain and my mouth  breaks and I end up blurting out crazy things.

This is especially wonderful on first dates and at crowded meetings while sitting around a table with dozens of scholarly individuals. The date who laughs is the guy who gets a second date. And the one person in the crowded meeting who laughs gets to sit next to me when we break for lunch. (Or, more accurately, is the only one willing to sit by me when we break for lunch.)

"What do you like to do for fun, Dawn."

"I like to read, go to the beach, and eat people's livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

Dumbfounded stare because they're not sure what to make of that.

8. If a sarcastic women is sarcastic with you that means we like you.

We're much more apt to use sarcasm on people we like. We're like 6-year-old boys who kick sand on, and pull the pigtails of, the girls we like. If we didn't like you, we wouldn't waste our superior wit on you. It's our way of showing affection. Just go with it.

9. Sarcasm is our automatic default.

"Think of all you could accomplish, Dawn, if you didn't spend so much time thinking of sarcastic answers." That's the thing — we don't search our brains and try to think of sarcastic comments; sarcasm is our default setting.

The sarcasm is automatically there on the tips of our tongues. We have to stop and think really hard to come up with a non-sarcastic comment. It's hard to do.

When we manage to pull a sincere comment from our brains, appreciate it because it was not an easy task, and it will probably be a while before you ever hear another one.

10. Our sarcasm will rub off on you if you stick with us long enough.

At a school conference 16 years ago, my son's preschool teacher told me, "Your son is sarcastic. That's unusual. Most kids this age don't really understand sarcasm." I gave a nervous little laugh and said, "Um yeah, he gets it from his father." 

Now, at the age of 20, I'm proud to say that the same kid who used to get in trouble in preschool for talking through his butt like Ace Ventura is now one of the most hilarious, quick-witted, genuinely funny and sarcastic people I know.

I'm (sniff sniff, wiping tears of appreciation) so very proud.

Dawn Marie is a single mom to 6, trying to juggle kids, work and laundry with the help of God, family, friends and wine, not necessarily in that order.