Why I Stayed In A Sexless Marriage For 11 Agonizing Years
I stayed attracted to him — and he completely lost it all for me.
Rawpixel.com / Shutterstock There's nothing in the world worse than knowing you have a serious problem that everyone else in the world seems to not have. For instance, a sexless marriage.
I don't mean infrequent sex or once a month sex; I mean no sex, no sex and more no sex.
In a society where the messages about sex are so off-base and over the top, where does the married person who just doesn't get any fit in?
We're constantly told that healthy marriages are all about sex — that sex is the keystone to longevity in a marriage.
In a way, we receive endless messages conveying to us what we should be doing, how we are to do it, what we should expect, and that "if we play our cards right" we could be having happy-go-lucky sex until the day we die.
So for the poor schmucks like me who married and ended up completely neglected in the bedroom, we get to watch Dr. Phil-like talk shows about how abnormal we are.
As if being told we're abnormal is somehow going to make things OK.
As if by knowing we really have a serious problem, we are able to make it all better just by admitting it.
Unfortunately, knowing it and owning it doesn't change anything.
Knowing I was married to a man who absolutely didn't want me sexually caused a torrent of conflict in me because the truth is, I loved my husband and he was my very good friend. I only wanted my good friend to love me, and sex was one of those really nice things married people could share.
There's this strange reality that many people don't seem to want to accept. It's not everyone's reality, but it is nonetheless valid and more common than you'd think — some men really do grow bored of having one partner. There, I said it.
Yes, I'm fully aware that women can grow bored, too, and yes, I'm totally mindful of the fact that many men have evolved into these wonderful sensitive super-monogamous love puppies.
However, the good, old-fashioned truth is that some women really do want one partner for life, while some men really do not.
So there I was, year five of having no sex with my husband. We slept in the same bed, saw each other shower and bathe, walked around naked, and watched sexy movies together. But sex? Not happening.
Oh, and before we got married, that's all we did. All the time, day and night, everywhere and anywhere, and as kinky and depraved as all get out. I think we even managed a missionary position here and there, just so we could say we did it all.
Problem was, I stayed attracted to him and he completely lost it all for me.
Heartbreaking? Possibly the worst because it's deeper than emotional; it's about physicality, and for women that's like the last frontier before all hell breaks loose on the lack of self-esteem trail.
I tried to talk with him, but his reaction to me made me feel as if I were this screeching pterodactyl of a nag.
When a man shuts off to you, you don't get back in. All those Oprah-like, rah-rah "go get 'em girl!" sessions don't do anything, because the one thing that really destroys sex is analyzing it to death in a sterile environment where the goal is to come to an agreement that forces you to do something you don't want to do.
I tried to convince myself that my husband and I were like siblings — that THAT was so much better than what everyone else had. I had to feel good about something!
The truth was that my husband wasn't sexually attracted to me and it wasn't looking like that was ever going to change. So I told myself that my situation was ideal, and that people were kidding themselves when they kept saying over and over that sex was this big, important thing.
All my friends thought I was in denial, which, of course, I was. And pitiful. And really, who doesn't love the idea of being the pathetic friend?
"Wow, Ruby doesn't have sex with her husband." You know where that goes, right? It goes to, "I bet he's cheating," and, "What's wrong with her?" and, "Maybe he's gay," and, "Why doesn't she demand sex?"
So, you see how the vicious circle of doubt starts to unwind. If you don't keep this sexless marriage thing a total secret, you open yourself up to the scrutiny and miscalculations of others. And everyone's got an opinion.
I'd walk away thinking my gay husband was cheating on me because I was a weak-minded moron with a freakish body. Slowly, the confidence starts chipping away, as if it were shoved into that wood chipper from Fargo.
The sad part about no sex was that it turned into no communication and that was the travesty.
Once we stopped talking, we were goners. As I think of it, it wasn't horniness that made me want sex with my husband; it was that I loved him and wanted to give and receive love and affection, physically. He was beautiful and sweet, but as they say, "He's just not into you."
Turns out, my husband wasn't gay after all, nor was I weak and certainly didn't have a freakish body. What was really going on was that he wasn't a monogamous guy, so he cheated and cheated and cheated. And then, he cheated on them.
He simply wasn't made for commitment. We got married but that didn't change him into someone he wasn't.
I remember the day sex stopped for us. We'd been such a hot-and-heavy couple for so long and then, on the night of our marriage, something changed. I remember looking in his eyes that night and he wouldn't look at me.
It was just so ... off. I felt it. I felt it right then, deep down in my soul. I knew that marriage is what killed my husband's desire for me. How very, very sad.
Eventually, after 11 years of marriage, we divorced. And I'll always remember what he said to me right after we signed the official papers. He said, "It'll be nice to have a variety of pussy now."
HAH. I know. Tacky, right? After all those years, that's what his closing statement was. Phew. Meanwhile, he went on to marry two more times, and me?
Well, I'm still looking for a friend who will love me.
Ruby Miranda is a New Yorker who learned astrology, I Ching and all types of cartomancy and numerology from her crazy, gypsy mother. She currently writes for a wide range of esoteric publications.