7 Things I Learned When I Gave My Boyfriend A 'Finger Blowjob'

Apparently, "finger blowjobs" were, at some point, a thing, and now they may or may not be a thing again. I'm not sure why anyone bothers, because actual blowjobs are still very much a thing, and they'll probably be a thing forever — at least until humans evolve to have stronger gag reflexes than we do now.

In any case, because I am dedicated to my actual job, I decided to give my boyfriend a finger blowjob. Here's how to give a finger blowjob }} and how you can expect things to go down. (See what I did there? God, I'm clever.)

1. Consent is an absolute must. 

I got that. I also warned him: "Hey, this might get weird, but I have to suck your fingers for a while." His response? "This is for YourTango, isn't it?"

2. Make sure he trims his nails to avoid unneeded wounds.

My boyfriend is a pretty clean dude and admittedly gassy at times. One thing he slips up on pretty consistently is trimming his nails; that results in discomfort in certain situations, because, well, no one wants to be fondled by a velociraptor. I already had oral surgery in the fall and I don't need my gums being sawed open again.

3. Have him wash his hands with a soap that doesn't reek of chemicals.

Listen, we ride the New York City subway to and from work every day. I'm pretty sure he could go two weeks without showering and his junk would still have fewer germs than his hands would after one MetroCard swipe. I ain't about that life. That said, it helps that I have hand soap in our apartment that smells like cookies. Who doesn't want calorie-free cookies in her mouth?

4. Try setting the mood. 

I don't know, man, does this call for candles? Start going about things as usual, or make out if you want. I don't know your life.

5. Go to town. 

If he starts trying to cop a feel, intercept his hand. For those who are too lazy, you basically just lick, flick, and suck on various parts of his hands to learn how to give a finger blowjob }}.

6. Don't expect him to finish. 

Try as you might, your man probably won't orgasm from a finger blowjob. He'll probably either get somewhat titillated for what's to come (if anything), or he'll get ticklish, giggly, and weirded out. Maybe a combination of all of those, with a bonus of blue balls, depending on how generous you are. In this case, it was, "Um, should I wash my hands now and play Mortal Kombat? Or are we gonna do more stuff? Can we do more stuff?"

7. It's completely normal to feel ridiculous and silly. 

I mean, I regularly lick Dorito cheese off my fingertips post-snacking. How am I supposed to take myself seriously anymore giving a finger blowjob?