33 Promises Every Man Should Make To His Future Wife, No Exceptions

I'll be 36 by the time this gets published and I'm still not married. According to my mom, I should probably count on staying that way for a while because "all the good ones are taken.

Little does she know that, sooner or later, I'll likely marry someone younger or, gawd fahbid, some "poor" divorcee.

I'm not sure if I'm one of the "good ones" or not, but what I am sure about is that I want to have shared values with my future wife — and in return, I'll promise her the world.

Or more realistically, I might have to alter that a bit. 

Here are the 33 actual promises every man should make to his wife — and actually keep. 

1. I will never leave an empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom (or hang a fresh roll upside down like a monster).

2. I will try to solve your problems instead of just listening and saying, "that sucks."

3. I will cry no fewer than 6 times per year.

4. I will handle or (delegate handling) any pest problems.

5. I will only say negative things about your family when they do negative things to you.

6. I will fall asleep during sexual activity, at most, once per calendar year.

7. I won't steal your thunder and will always be your biggest cheerleader.

8. I will eat anything you cook ... unless it's genuinely gross because life is just too short.

9. I will respond incredibly well to the words "please" and "thank you."

10. I won't get embarrassingly drunk at any event that's important to you. (Note: No more than 25 percent can be considered "important.")

11. I will accept intimate challenges, particularly to my manhood, 140 percent of the time.

12. I will surprise you with my depth of knowledge about completely unimportant topics regularly.

13. I will bring home flowers for no reason, and no, I'm not feeling guilty about anything.

14. I will not share all my passwords with you, nor will I ask for yours.

15. I will sing the wrong words to songs ... loudly.

16. I will continue to despise reality TV, unless I marry a reality TV star.

17. I will take athletic endeavors too seriously.

18. I will make jokes at inappropriate times; you will generally laugh.

19. I will refer to myself as a hero, not always ironically.

20. I will lavish you with compliments, mostly sincerely.

21. I will consult with you for most purchases over $1,000, unless it's a gift for you, or we're just rich.

22. I will cuddle you until I absolutely just need to sleep.

23. I will rarely, if ever, freak out, especially when you're freaking out.

24. I will judge what you're wearing but will mostly keep it to myself.

25. I will drink, more or less, anything offered to me.

26. I will not shoplift. This is probably not an issue, but I'm an 8th Commandment guy.

27. I will not let disagreements with you color my opinion of you as a person.

28. I will not go vegan.

29. I will not start a band.

30. I will not be grossed out by anything natural going on with your downstairs.

31. I will help any of your friends move (provided they're not complete jerks).

32. I will not (completely) let myself go.

33. I will not be a complete knob about money if you make more of it than me ... or if I make more than you, for that matter.

I know, you don't have to say it: I'll be a hero husband and all of your friends will be hella-jealous of how much I spoil you.

Tom Miller is a writer and comedian who focuses on relationships, mental health and pop culture.