If You Do These 11 Things, Prepare To Die Alone

By Neal Stastny

Christopher Paolini wrote in his book Eldest that “everyone dies alone…whether you are a king on a battlefield or a lowly peasant lying in bed among your family, no one can accompany you into the void…”

While that may ultimately be true, you probably want someone to hang out with for a few years before you die.

If you feel like you’re destined for a lonely life, it’s not too late to change that. If you exhibit too many of these signs, you can work to overcome them. Then you can live happily with your family before ultimately dying alone.

1. You’re A Horrible Roommate

Even if you’re not close with your roommates, they know a side of you that even your best friends don’t get to see. If you’ve had difficulty maintaining decent relationships with several different roommates, good luck finding someone to spend the rest of their life with you — even if you’re the one who already owns the couch, TV and dishes.

2. You Delay Asking Someone Out

Have you thought about asking someone out, but kept telling yourself that you’ll wait for a better time until you decided it was too late? Break that habit and ask them out!

Sure, they might shoot you down, but then you can move on to someone else. If that happens, you just have to let them go. It’s painful, but it’s the only way to find someone. And those embarrassing failures will eventually become funny stories you tell your friends at bars.

3. You’re Too Picky

If your list of reasons that you’ve broken up with people looks anywhere close to the ones used by Jerry on Seinfeld, you’re probably going to realize you should have stuck with “man hands”…or the “two-face”…or the “low talker”…or the guy who ate his peas one at a time.

OK, not the guy who at his peas one at a time. That’s crazy.

4. You Believe In “The One”

Maybe you believe that there is only one person in the world that you’re meant to be with. That’s a ridiculous idea that is incredibly limiting and depressing. What are the odds that “the one” just happened to go to the same high school or college as you? They have to be worse than playing the lottery.

Don’t get too obsessed with one person, you'll come off as clingy. And don’t play the lottery.

5. You’re Rude To Waiters

Even if you end up dating someone who never worked in the service industry, you’re destined to drive people away with this habit. Every dinner out will be full of tense exchanges with the waitstaff and and worry that they did something to your food.

It’s also a sign that you’re probably a jerk when you don’t have to be in other situations as well. This is generally not a trait ANYONE looks for. If you do manage to find someone who likes being rude to waiters, just marry them because you’re both horrible people.

6. You Brag Too Much On Facebook

Almost everyone selectively makes their life look a little better than it really is on Facebook, but don’t spend so much time sharing photos that you get fooled by your own embellished social media persona. If anything, it will just give you a sense of mystery and intrigue that’s more impressive than any status update about how you’re always hustling.

7. You’re Depressing People On Twitter

Don’t treat social media as a replacement for actually talking with a friend about any problems you may be having. Being a person who occasionally tweets about watching Netflix and eating ice cream on a Saturday night is fine. Being a person who only tweets about watching Netflix and eating ice cream on a Saturday night is going to weird people out.

8. You Lie To The Delivery Guy

Have you ever shouted “food’s here” to no one before opening the door so that the delivery guy thinks someone is in your apartment? If so, you’re definitely in your head about being alone. The delivery guy doesn’t care if you’re alone. He wants a couple bucks and to make his next delivery.

9. You Own Non-Complimentary Animals

Everyone has heard of the “cat lady” stereotype, but no one talks about the “cat/bird lady.” That’s someone who not only has multiple cats, but also multiple birds. This could apply to any two animals with a similar predator/prey dynamic: dogs and cats, snakes and rats, mongooses and snakes, etc. At least have some respect for your animal companions by not putting them in a room with their mortal enemies.

10. You’re A Hoarder

You’ve probably noticed that hoarders always live alone (if you don’t count their bedbugs or cats or dogs or chickens). But you don’t just wake up one day with 158 chickens. It starts with having a bunch of empty gatorade bottles in your room that no one has asked you throw out, so you figure, “why bother?”

You should bother because it’s Gatorade bottles now, chickens later.

11. You Constantly Worry About Dying Alone

If this is truly a legitimate concern for you, there are ways to change that. First you can work on how to improve your opinion of yourself. Then you can work on finding some good dating advice.

But first, just relax, because your situation is not as grim as you think.