Psychology Says Your Relationship Doesn’t Stand A Chance If These 3 Issues Go Unchecked
Your past hurt will bleed into your relationship if you let it.
Hamid Tajik | Unsplash Let's face it: We’ve all had the oh-so-delightful experience of dating someone who had too much emotional baggage. Unfortunately, it's often not until you're knee-deep in a relationship that you realize just how much baggage or issues he or she has.
Wouldn't it be nice if you could train yourself to spot emotional baggage sooner so that you don't have to start and then later stop the relationship? I can already hear you asking: What are the most common types of baggage? Check out the types below and watch your step when you come across them in someone you start dating.
Your relationship doesn’t stand a chance if these issues go unchecked:
1. Untreated depression
Both women and men can carry the baggage of depression into a relationship.
How to spot it: He is moody; she doesn't feel like being social with others; he has low self-esteem and is critical of himself; she has lost interest in activities that used to make her happy; he complains a lot and has a pessimistic view of the future; she gets irritated easily and excels at starting arguments; and he cries once in a while for no particular reason.
You can switch the pronouns because both men and women manifest depression in various ways. Research consistently shows that untreated depression can severely damage relationships by affecting communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction. Depression impairs a person's ability to engage in positive social interactions, leading to withdrawal, frustration, and increased conflict. It can also make it difficult to experience pleasure and intimacy, further straining the relationship.
2. Major problems with the family of origin
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Regardless of whether your date is 20 or 50, they may have emotional baggage related to dysfunction stemming from the family he or she was born into. If you date someone who has significant issues with their family, it's often with the parents. Yet sometimes he or she will have a sibling that brings major stress or emotional tumult into their lives.
How to spot it: She has extreme anger toward one or both parents; he has fairly frequent blowouts with family members at family dinners, reunions, or other events; she has a parent or sibling who is an active addict whom the family is always worried about; or he was emotionally, physically or verbally abused by one or both parents.
Unresolved issues and dysfunctional dynamics can be passed down through generations, shaping the behaviors and beliefs of later generations. For instance, one study explained that a family that has experienced trauma or unresolved conflicts may struggle with open communication and emotional vulnerability.
3. Unresolved issues with an ex
When you first start dating someone, ask yourself the following questions: Is this person still in contact with his or her ex? Has the person you're dating fully closed the romantic/need-for-attention door with the ex, or has that door been left slightly ajar? (Note: I just finished reading the psychological thriller, The Girl On the Train, which includes a perfect example of a man who left that door slightly ajar with his ex, which caused major problems for his new relationship.)
If you breathe even the slightest whiff of unfinished business with your date's ex, you will make your life easier by heading toward the nearest exit sign. I tell my clients to give themselves a good six months or longer before even considering starting a new relationship.
The reality: If the last relationship ended in a nasty or messy way, a person needs a year or longer to heal before being able to start a healthy relationship – which means not carrying baggage into the next one.
How to spot it: In the first month or two of dating, he mentions his ex at least once per week; she still keeps pictures around or other mementos of the ex; you hear him mention the ex's name when he's talking to friends; he tries to get together with the ex for coffee or a meal soon after the breakup; or she compares you in any way to her ex.
Research suggests that continued communication with an ex, especially if it's not fully resolved or if there's unresolved romantic desire, can negatively impact a current relationship. This is because it can lead to increased stress, lower commitment, and diminished relationship satisfaction in the current relationship.
By the time we reach adulthood, we all inevitably carry some sort of emotional baggage with us. The question becomes, is the baggage severe enough to negatively affect a new relationship? Whom you seek out is your choice, but you must remember that warning signs don't lie!
Dr. Seth Meyer is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert.
