I'm A Woman & I Love Lesbian Porn (And You Probably Do, Too)

I didn't masturbate until I was in my 20s. 

I was raised on a steady Mormon diet of "masturbation is a sin!" so it just never occurred to me as something to do, and anyway it was a sin the menfolk were more likely to commit, not women (according to the church, anyway).

Eventually, I learned to enjoy masturbation in adulthood, but porn still made me a little anxious.

The few porn clips I'd been unfortunate enough to stumble upon were of the bow-chicka-wow-wow variety: Drugged-out looking blonde with a bad boob job allowing some gross older guy to grope her while feigning a few moans and groans that are clearly dubbed and looped throughout the rest of the video.

Let's be honest here: watching a dude in action is not really a sexual turn-on. Dangly bits hanging everywhere, skinny butt pumping away, terrifying orgasm face. Yeesh.

My lady bits dry up just thinking about it. I believe the great Elaine Benes said it best while discussing "good naked" and "bad naked" on an episode of Seinfeld:

Jerry: Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day.

Elaine: Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a man.

George: Why not? It's a good look for a woman.

Elaine: Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.

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Jerry: So you don't think it's attractive?

Elaine: It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian.

George: Well, some women like it.

Elaine: Mmm. Sickies.

YUP. Sickies.

So regular straight porn has never been my thing (which kind of meant porn was never my thing). It never occurred to me that lesbian porn would be more up my alley until a few years ago when I stumbled upon a girl-on-girl scenario, and I'll be damned if it wasn't the sexiest, most sensual thing I've ever seen.

I finally understood why guys get all hot and bothered over two chicks having sex. All curves and soft sensuality. This was IT for me. From there on out lesbian sex was my thing. Turns out, I'm not alone. Lesbian sex is all the rage. Not only do lesbians like lesbian porn, but dudes dig it and so do straight women, apparently.

So, is there a reason why straight women like lesbian porn?

BuzzFeed's piece called "14 Things You May Not Know About How Women Watch Porn" outlines what women want when it comes to their pornography. The statistics come from the fine folks at Pornhub who say the top two types of porn women watch are lesbian porn and gay (male) porn.

(I can't be positive why gay male porn is a thing for the ladies because it involves twice the normal amount of dangly, utilitarian bits, although I'm willing to wager a theory: There's something disgusting about traditional porn. It's formulaic and dirty and sexist. Submissive woman pleases gross guys. Gay porn can't really be sexist and still involve men. Men who are probably more sensual than your average straight porn dude. That's my best guess.) 

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The theory mirrors why I dig lesbian porn. It's sensuous and sexy. The women actually seem to be enjoying each other as opposed to acting. Also, watching two women get it on doesn't preclude me from fantasizing about a man doing those very same things to me.

I don't think it's strange that two women going at it is more appealing than some guy attempting to shove his business all over the place before zooming in on his white, hairy butt pumping away. Like Elaine said: "Simian."

Traditional porn is all about what visually appeals to men, not what physically appeals to women. Every woman knows when he goes at it like a jackhammer (visually appealing to men) gets old after about two minutes. We're all about the box lunch, if you know what I'm saying.

Also? There is a scarcity of great guy/girl porn out there, the type of stuff that actually turns on women. No one being defiled, no extreme close-ups of anatomy, no bad acting, and extra loud/extra lame music. Just super-sexy action between a man and a woman. Stuff you might see in an HBO series but naughtier — that's what's missing.

So hey, get on that, yeah YouPorn/RedTube, etc? Love, women everywhere.

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Monica Bielanko is a mom of three who writes about relationships, her personal experiences, and co-parenting with her ex. Her writing has appeared on The Huffington Post, Yahoo!, and Mom.me. For more of her writing, visit her website, The Girl Who.