An Open Letter To The Friend Who Tried To Steal My Girl On FB

Recently, I brought my girlfriend to a party. I had some friends there who hadn't met her yet, so I was excited to introduce them to her. All in all, it was a fun party and everything went well.

A few days after the party, one of my friends who had just met my girlfriend sent her a message on Facebook. He wanted to know if she wanted to go out with him sometime. She never responded to him, and I was understandably upset with him about this. I felt like I was pretty clear about our relationship status when I introduced her as "my girlfriend." I feel like I used pretty obvious language there, right?

The next time I saw this guy around, when I wasn't acting like I was happy to see him, he pulled me aside and asked me if something was up and if I was mad at him about something.

This is an open letter to him in response to the situation:

Hello, creep.

Yes. Of course I'm mad at you. Don't ask me if something is up. You know what happened. You sent my girlfriend a message on Facebook, and instead of beginning a secret affair with you or dumping me, she never responded. Now I'm acting like I'm mad at you. Do you really need to figure this out? Why are you acting surprised?

OK, this may sound weird, but I don't think we're friends anymore. Right? I mean, you tried to sleep with my girlfriend, so I don't think this is a weird reaction on my part. You shouldn't be surprised.

I don't hold it against you for being attracted to her. I feel the same way. She's super funny, likes video games, is a great baker, and has perfect teeth and a great butt. So that part's cool. But you can't sleep with her, not while she's still dating me. You're also not allowed to sleep with me either. It's a strict rule, but at least it's fair.

I guess I'm really just upset that you went behind my back. You didn't even attempt to include me in the conversation. Look, it would've been super awkward if you had sent a group message that included all three of us together, asking my girlfriend out. I would've been creeped out, but I would've also respected it. That's what friends do.

It's a new world. Open relationships are a thing. Some people don't care about that sort of thing. I may not be one of them, but I'm not going to judge people that do. There are some couples out there that would say yes to the whole thing. We're not one of those couples, but I wouldn't have held it against you for checking. In fact, I would've thanked you. That's what a good friend would do. A weird friend, but still a good friend.

So, that's my point. You're not a bad friend because you tried to sleep with my girlfriend. In fact, thank you for the compliment. You're a bad friend because you were sneaky about it. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I like to know who my girlfriend is sleeping with. We have one of those weird relationships where we don't sleep with other people.

Well, I'm glad we could clear that up.

Oh, and also, its a little pathetic to ask people out over Facebook. Seriously, man. Next time, get her phone number first. She showed me the messages. You went right from 'hey' to asking her on a date. Basically, I disagree with every single thing that you did. I don't like what you tried to do, but I'm also not a fan of how you tried to do it.

Sincerely,

Mike