28 Things About Having Sex That Are So NOT Sexy
Dryness? Leg cramps? Sex has its fair share of cringe-worthy moments.
BGStock72 / Shutterstock Sex is probably one of the best things about being alive. Well, sex and pizza; are actually most food in general. But with all the great things that come with sex, there's a whole boatload of stuff that can make us cringe, too.
If you're scratching your head and wondering, "Whatever could she be talking about?", then you can put your hand back in your pocket, because I'm going to fill in the blanks for you. Get ready for your "Aha!" moment.
Here are 28 things about having sex that are so not sexy:
1. Morning breath
Morning sex is so awesome! But morning breath, even the most bearable of morning breath is still not nice; brushing your teeth beforehand is nice, though!
2. The wet spot
You know exactly what I'm talking about. Exactly.
3. Leg cramp
Well, it was just a matter of time before it was going to happen because no one can keep their legs like that forever. This leads us to…
4. Having To pee
Maybe you should have gone before, but you got distracted by the chance to have sex right then and there, so now you’ve gotta go NOW.
5. The weird smell
Bodily fluids and sweat do make for one hell of an, um, interesting scent.
6. "I'm coming! I'm coming!"
Yeah, I get it, but you've been saying that for almost 25 minutes now. Just come already, and quit announcing it as if you want some sort of medal!
7. Farting
Yep, it happens to the best of us; it just does. If you indulge in anal sex, even more so.
8. Bloody sheets
You thought your period was over? But it's not, it wasn't, and now you have that ugly brown streak that looks like anything but blood on your sheets.
9. The 'O' face
Does anyone make a pretty face when they have an orgasm? This is a serious question.
10. Complaints from your roommate or neighbor
You're having a hot and heavy time, then you either get a knock on the wall or a passive-aggressive text from someone in the vicinity: "Can you keep it down please?" Mood. Killed.
11. 69
It's great in theory, but when it comes down to it, it’s just an awkward position that makes not just breathing (if he’s on top) difficult, but the enjoyable factor nil, especially if there’s a huge height difference.
12. The "What is THAT?" moment
Seriously. What is THAT?
13. Flaccid penis
It's OK. It happens to every guy at least once in his life. I swear. I think. OK, I've never witnessed it, but that's what they say in the movies, right (I kid!)?
14. Dryness
For women, this is our version of a penis that refuses to get erect; our wetness usually determines how turned on we are, and when things are all dried up, not only can it give our partner insecurities, but it makes for VERY painful penetration (this is one of the nasty side effects of being drunk and/or hungover).
15. Period underwear
Because of course, you're wearing your granny panties that are usually reserved for when you have your period, but you haven’t done laundry when you meet the man of your dreams and you know you’re going to get some—BECAUSE OF COURSE.
16. Dirty talk
While there's no time like the present, it's not true for dirty talk. Sometimes it just fails miserably.
17. The waiting game
You know when you’ve already climaxed and now you have to wait for your partner to get there, too? It’s not that you don’t care; it's just that you're ready for a nap.
18. Flying semen
Because sometimes, especially if you've opted for some sexy fun that isn’t intercourse, that stuff can end up anywhere: wall, eyes, dripping down the photo of you and your parents at college graduation—you name it.
19. "No, I didn't come"
Well then, this is pretty awkward—Totally normal, but awkward.
20. Failed positions
You really should have known your balance wasn’t THAT good, and that it would result in you both on the floor, and one of you with a nosebleed.
21. Pubic hair
Whether you love them or hate them, or have chosen to wax them all away, everyone prefers one thing over the other, and I think we can all agree that it’s just not necessarily pretty: Get one stuck in your throat and, well, expect that it'll be there for days.
22. Politics
It’s probably a good idea to know what side of the abortion debate the person you're having sex with stands; if you’re a liberal and you're unknowingly in bed with a Republican, and for some reason, all your sexin' leads to a political chat, you’re going to feel awful if he’s not for women’s reproductive rights. You just had sex with the enemy...Now you can write a suspense thriller about it!
23. Your number
We've already covered that my number and your number shouldn't matter, so why bring it up in bed?
24. The bra struggle
Although it's assumed that most men can undo a bra in less than 10 seconds by the time they're out of college, that’s not always the case. Especially if that bra clips in the front—dudes just don't get how that's a possibility.
25. Sweat
Totally natural, but slipping and sliding on your partner probably isn't your idea of a good time...Not only is it un-sexy, but it's also downright dangerous!
26. Post-sex bathroom rush
Whether it's you rushing to pee right afterward (because your gyno told you to) or because he needs to dispose of the condom, the rush for the bathroom immediately takes the sexy out of sex in record time.
27. Falling asleep
What? Am I the only person who's accidentally done this? I don't think so.
28. Heavy breathing
Let's be real. Do you really find it that attractive? It sounds like you're trying to bring someone back to life.
Amanda Chatel is a writer who divides her time between NYC and Paris. She's a regular contributor to Bustle and Glamour, with bylines at Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Livingly, Mic, The Bolde, Huffington Post, and others.