Monica Lewinsky Spills On Her Affair With Bill Clinton — But Why?

Monica Lewinsky became infamous for her affair with then-President Bill Clinton. So infamous that I, as a fifth grader, got sent home from school on Halloween because she inspired my costume. Though her affair got the President impeached, Clinton came out relatively unscathed and with solid approval ratings to boot. (Hey, he did wonders for the economy.) Lewinsky? Not so much.

After enduring more than a decade of on-again, off-again slut shaming, Lewinsky, of the notorious cigar, blue dress and beret, is coming clean about her affair with Clinton and the circumstances surrounding it. You know, even though she did that already on numerous news outlets over the years anyway.

Inexplicably opening up to Vanity Fair, Lewinsky writes, "I am determined to have a different ending to my story. I've decided, finally, to stick my head above the parapet so that I can take back my narrative and give a purpose to my past. (What this will cost me, I will soon find out.)"

What will it cost her, though? Is anyone checking for her anymore? We have Hillary gearing up for a 2016 run, the NSA poking through our Internet history (as someone who occasionally WikiPedias serial killers, this is terrifying), the NDAA allowing the government to indefinitely detain American citizens without a warrant, drone strikes galore, economic inequality, Kimye's wedding — we have a lot more, as a country, to worry about.

Still, Lewinsky continues her campaign, making only one truly important point: Was the Clinton affair a case of sexual harassment-cum-coercion into bed? Not really. Lewinsky admits, "Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship. Any 'abuse' came in the aftermath, when I was made a scapegoat in order to protect his powerful position."

Well obviously. Bill Clinton may be the most charming man on this Earth (so much so that I wear him in a locket), in addition to being one of the — if not the -- most intellectually gifted president of the United States to ever grace the office. He doesn't need to force anyone into bed (or under a desk, as it were), because he's probably spent a good amount of time kicking chicks out of bed. And as anyone with estrogen in their veins will tell you, it's much easier to vilify the other woman than it is to admit to yourself that you, as a partner (or as a bitter observer who may have also been cheated on), may have made an incorrect choice.

Lewinsky continues, "The Clinton administration, the special prosecutor's minions, the political operatives on both sides of the aisle, and the media were able to brand me. And that brand stuck, in part because it was imbued with power."

Um, yeah. Who gets more press than the P.O.T.U.S.? If someone is wise enough to get a White House internship, they should understand how media works: He will always have more press access than whoever he's boning (unless it's Miley Cyrus onstage, apparently). While it's unfair to brand a scarlet letter (or weird stain, as it were) on Lewinsky, she's proliferating that brand by continuing to talk about the incident years after it's left public consciousness.

The brand she ought to focus on? Her handbag line. Whatever happened to that?