I Tried The "Surfboard" Sex Position So You Don't Have To

Like everybody in America (or planet Earth, for that matter), upon hearing Beyoncé proclaim that she likes to ride her "surfboard" on "Drunk in Love," I wondered what she could possibly talking about.

So, like Nancy Drew, I decided to crack this mystery. I took to the internet to figure out if Beyoncé had indeed started learning how to surf or if she was up to something else. 

Within a matter of seconds, I realized Bey was not talking about the joys of riding the waves but the joy of riding Jay-Z in a bathtub.

I love a good bubble bath so adding sex to it just seems like a plus. I immediately texted my guy, J.

"Want to learn how to surf?" I asked saucily.

"What? You don’t even know how to swim.” Leave it to men to not understand nuances.

"Let me rephrase, do you want me to grind you in a bathtub later?”

"Yes!"

... I'll leave out what he said after that.

After work, we rushed home and immediately got to business. As the water was running, we got each other warmed up making out on the sofa. A few moves from his dexterous hands and I was ready to go. Once the tub was filled up halfway, (per Beyoncé's instructions), we shut the water off and hopped in.

I looked down at the tub. There was only one problem; where was I going to fit?

J is a full 6'1" and a big dude. Interestingly enough, I actually have a bathtub designed for bubble baths. But I guess the builders had solo action in mind and not grinding surfboards when they designed the tubs. I wasn't sure what kind of bathtub Beyoncé had, but it was clearly much bigger than mine.

J sat down in the tub with bent knees.

"Come on in!" he said with an eager grin.

I attempted to straddle him with my back facing him and lower myself on top of him.

"Where do my legs go? There's no room!"

"I'll keep my legs together, instead of apart," J replied.

With the extra few inches, I was just barely able to squeeze in. I leaned forward holding on to his legs while I went for a few thrusts.

It was actually kind of fun — at first. Because of the positioning, I could easily reach over and give him a little extra down-below action.

I may not have liked balls in gym class, but when it comes to men I've always fancied them. They're cute and fun to play with. Like little hamsters. And with this position I could play with them to my heart's content.

Using the sides of the bathtub for extra leverage, I was also able to really go for the gold thrusting-wise.

And that's when things got uncomfortable.

"My knees hurt," I complained. Unfortunately my knees were used to beds, yoga mats, and carpets. Not faux porcelain tubs.

"Well we can't have that. Let's just do it standing," J suggested.

We drained the tub, turned on the water, and had regular old shower sex.

I'm sure the position would have been much more successful had I a wider tub. Then I realized, I can do this without a tub. Problem solved! I couldn’t wait to try it again on dry land. Until then, I'll leave water sex for showers only.