Your Sex Dreams Decoded: What They Really Mean

By Lauren David Peden for Self

A man you're wildly attracted to pulls you to him and gently caresses your back. He's so close, you can feel his hot breath on your face. As he moves in for the kiss, you slowly open your eyes, only to discover that he's ... Alan Greenspan?! You sit bolt upright, sweating, relieved, yet strangely aroused. It was only a dream.

But what was that about? Most of us have had erotic dreams, which can run the gamut from sexy and intriguing to just plain bizarre. Instead of writing off these reveries as a side effect of spicy Indian food, tune in to them. Your subconscious may be trying to tell you something.

The science of decoding dreams is based on centuries of research and professional anecdotal evaluation by psychology pioneers such as Freud and Jung. Although pooh-poohed by some experts as unreliable, dream interpretation is gaining credence among researchers and therapists as an intuitive tool. Many practitioners say figuring out what your dreams symbolize can help improve your life, especially your sex life. "Dreams pick up where our waking attention leaves off and sometimes hint at things we can benefit from recognizing," explains Gillian Holloway, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Marylhurst University in Portland, Oregon. "They also allow us to explore options we haven't tried or even thought of."

So does that mean that dreaming of having sex with your mailman is a sign you harbor secret feelings for him? Not necessarily, says Pam Spurr, Ph.D., a relationship psychologist in London. Erotic dreams can mean many things, depending on the dreamer and her life circumstances. In some cases, dreams involving sex aren't actually about sex at all. So how do you know? If a specific interpretation is accurate, it will resonate with you and make a certain kind of sense. Below, nine women reveal their most exciting dreams. (We've withheld their last names; you'll know why after you take a peek into their subconscious.) The experts' analyses will help you decode your own nighttime visions so you can improve your life — in the bedroom and beyond. Sweet dreams!

Some Serious Horseplay

"I found myself in a stable and felt panicked because I didn't know if I was supposed to groom, feed or ride the horses," says Leslie, 26, a single teacher who has no waking interest in horses. "Jack — a married colleague I have a little crush on — walked in and sensed my panic. He said, 'Don't worry, the horses are here for your pleasure.' He helped me mount a big stallion. As Jack walked the horse around the yard, the saddle was stimulating me, and I started to say things like, 'This feels so good, don't stop.' I was completely embarrassed that I was saying sexual things, but Jack didn't seem to care."

The expert analysis
Whoa, Nellie! Leslie is likely feeling guilty about her growing attraction to Jack. "The horse in Leslie's dream is a symbol for what she secretly wants to do with him in real life," says Spurr, who is Leslie's life coach. "She'd like him to lead her into a sexual experience." By getting her feelings for Jack out into the open via her dream, Leslie can now acknowledge them — which often is enough to take their power away. Simply realizing she's attracted to someone inappropriate can let her work out the issue without stressing about it.

What else it could mean
In addition to being stand-ins for powerful sexual feelings, horses represent human vitality. Women often dream of sick or neglected horses when they're not taking care of themselves, Holloway says. If you think this is the case with you, schedule some me-time. If you're thrown from a horse, you may have a trust issue with your partner. Can't catch a bolting colt? It could be that you would like to escape (or suspect that your partner would). Women who like foreplay or masturbation in real life might dream of stroking a horse, Spurr says. Being nuzzled by one hints that you enjoy taking a sexually passive role.

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Ticket To Ride

"I'm in the airport waiting for my flight, and a man sits next to me and starts chatting," says Dina, 29, a writer. "The next thing I know, he pulls me to him and we start making out. It's so intense and passionate that we start having sex right under the chairs. There are people around, but we don't care. Then I have the biggest orgasm, and my dream ends. The funniest thing was that I never even saw the guy's face."

The expert analysis
This is a sex dream that's probably not about sex. "It's most likely about Dina feeling successful," says Carol L. Cummings, a dream analyst in Tucson, Arizona. "Airports embody our desire to take off for higher places," she says. "Dina's dream tells me she's ready to embark on a new aspect of either her sexual relationship or her life." The facelessness of the man could be Dina's way of protecting herself, maybe because she's not prepared to confront her desires.

What else it could mean
If you make it onto the plane and become a member of the mile-high club in your dreams, consider yourself truly lucky: It's a sign that you find your sexual relationship fulfilling. Intercourse with a faceless stranger is standard sex-dream fare. It could be that you're trying to figure out what you want in a lover (or in yourself).

Female Bonding

"I dreamed I went to a coffee shop and ordered a cappuccino," says Jan, a divorced 37-year-old hospital technician. "While I waited I noticed brilliant sunshine streaming through the windows. A woman caught my eye, so I took my cappuccino and sat next to her. As I sipped, the froth spilled over my lips — it was going everywhere. She smiled, then leaned over and started licking my cheeks, lips and neck to get all the froth off. Before I knew it we were kissing and caressing each other. I've never had a lesbian encounter, but this felt fantastic."

The expert analysis
No subtlety here. "The frothing cappuccino clearly symbolizes Jan's sexual needs bubbling up inside her, and the woman licking her face and lips is a symbol of her desire for a woman to perform oral sex on her," says Spurr, who adds that Jan, her client, has had fantasies about making love to a woman while having sex with her former husband. "The sunshine breaking through is like a wake-up call for Jan of these new feelings," Spurr adds.

What else it could mean
If you've never had waking fantasies or thoughts about sex with a woman, a lesbian sex dream could mean you're embracing a part of yourself you've lost sight of (such as your youthful exuberance) or hadn't previously acknowledged (like a growing sense of self-confidence).

Star-Crossed Lovers

"Around the time Titanic came out, I had a dream that I was having sex with Leonardo DiCaprio on a stoop in Queens, New York, in broad daylight when my father and grandmother walked by," says Cathy, 34, a journalist. "I don't have a crush on Leo, and I've never lived in Queens. My dad and grandmother stared at me, and I stared back, but we didn't say anything, and I didn't stop getting it on with Leo."

The expert analysis
Gisele needn't worry about the competition. Although DiCaprio represents romantic love, "this dream is not about sex," Cummings says. "It's about Cathy feeling judged by the people close to her." Cathy may sense pressure from her family to be a good girl. But making love in broad daylight and not stopping when her relatives walk by shows that she's feeling confident in her sexuality.

What else it could mean
With any celebrity dream, ask yourself what qualities you associate with that individual (either the actor personally or the characters he plays). It could be that the star represents something you admire and aspire to in yourself or want in a lover, such as bravery or more romance. As for relatives in dreams: Don't stress too much if Great-Uncle Howie nabs a supporting role. Family members often make an appearance and usually represent a subliminal link between our current sexual beliefs and the beliefs we were taught in childhood. If family reunions frequently happen in your sex dreams, you may want to explore your attitudes about relationships and any conflicting internalized lessons you've learned about men, sex and love while growing up.

Coming Home

"I dreamed I was performing oral sex on Charlton Heston — in my mother's house, no less!" says Marie, 39, a veterinarian whose dreams (sexual and not) are often set in her childhood home. "I was totally grossed out when I woke up because he's so old and I loathe his position on gun control."

The expert analysis
"Houses often represent the body, and because Marie is dreaming of her mother's house, she may be afraid of turning into her mother," Cummings says. "This dream indicates she's not feeling confident about her sexual self." Cummings also notes that guns typically represent penises, hence the appearance of Ben-Hur. But because Marie is performing fellatio and found the dream unpleasant, it can also suggest that she resents having to sweet-talk someone. Oral sex in dreams often represents verbal communication, says Holloway, author of The Complete Dream Book (Sourcebooks). "There may be a part of her job that requires her to talk people into doing something, which she feels conflicted about."

What else it could mean
If you frequently end up in your childhood home, it may be that you yearn to return to an earlier, less complicated time in your life. If you dream of giving oral sex and feel anxious, it may signal a sexually submissive nature or the belief that oral sex is dirty. On the other hand, enjoying the act of fellatio shows that you like sex and are willing to do what it takes to satisfy your lover.

Jailhouse Romp

"I dreamed I was interviewing a convicted armed robber and we had this intense attraction through the Plexiglas in the prison waiting room," says Marcy, a 36-year-old journalist.

"I go home, and we start writing to each other, and the letters get steamy. This guy hasn't had sex for eight years, so he's all pent up and wanting me. We get permission to have a conjugal visit, which happens in a trailer on the grounds. The guards escort him into the trailer, where I'm waiting, and then stand outside, just in case, so there's an element of knowing they can hear us. He's the ultimate bad boy, and we end up having pure primal sex: We're like two animals. But because we've gotten to know each other through writing — baring our deepest thoughts and emotions — it's more than physical; there's a real connection."

The expert analysis
On the surface, "this is a classic 'good girl's' wish-fulfillment dream," Spurr says, "an inner desire to let go and have sex with wild abandon." On another level, this dream — which contains many references to Marcy's profession — may pertain to a long-dormant part of her creativity that's bubbling up through her subconscious. The fact that he's a thief probably represents a personality trait or talent in Marcy that got "taken away" or back-burnered. "As we grow up, we often lock up big chunks of our passion and our heart, so we dream about prisoners and buried bodies and people in exile," says Holloway. "A lot of dreams about rescuing other people are actually about rescuing a repressed part of yourself."

What else it could mean
Prisons may represent a safe environment to play out sexual fantasies that frighten us in real life (ditto bank vaults and other secure or well-guarded locales). Whenever a specific number presents itself in a dream, ask yourself what significance that number holds for you. If it pertains to time (eight years ago in Marcy's case), it's worth looking back to see what was going on in your life at that point.

A Family Affair

"I've had several dreams where I'm having sex with my husband's brother or his best friend," says Liz, 31, an editor who has known all three men for more than 10 years and says they're very similar in looks, personality or both. "The dreams are pretty straightforward. We're in bed, in my house, having regular intercourse. In the dream, I'm really into it but I'm also like, Oh no, what am I doing?! I felt I was doing something wrong, though that did heighten my enjoyment. The dreams seemed so real that when I woke up, I had to convince myself that I hadn't actually cheated on my husband."

The expert analysis
Time to break out the handcuffs. "Liz is basically a happily married woman who has some sexual longings that haven't been met," Spurr says. "Because they are recurring dreams, there may be a part of her marriage that is a bit boring, but not necessarily her sex life." Having erotic dreams about her husband's brother and best friend is a safe way for Liz to play out her fantasies (and her desire for more — or more varied — sex) because both men are known to her and share similar characteristics with her spouse. But at the same time, because Liz doesn't know them intimately, it's more exciting. "Maybe Liz has a flirtatious side that she's kept in check since she got married, or her life has become too emotionally cozy," says Spurr, author of Dreams and Sexuality (Sterling Publishing). "She should try to rekindle the romance with her husband again."

What else it could mean
A third party can represent some aspect of your partner, so you're not "cheating" on your significant other if you dream about doing it with someone else. It is possible, however, that you're longing for emotional — not sexual — intimacy with that third party, or you're focusing on some part of his personality you admire.

The Teacher's Pet

"A few years after I graduated from college and I was working as a writer, a job I enjoyed, I dreamed I was back in my college thesis advisor's office and we were having great sex," says Stephanie, a 37-year-old mother of two. "Nothing kinky or unusual — just regular missionary position, surrounded by all of his papers and cultural memorabilia — but it was fantastic. I never found him physically attractive, but we had always had a deep intellectual connection and mutual respect. He was one of the first men who made me feel as though my interests and ideas truly mattered."

The expert analysis
Here's another seemingly erotic dream that has nothing to do with sex. "This is about Stephanie feeling competent and accepted by authority figures and realizing it's OK to love her job," Cummings says. "She makes it a sex dream because her work is so fulfilling. It's almost as if she's shocked that work can be so stimulating." Stephanie's advisor was one of the first people who made her feel valued and who respected her interests, so he makes an appearance as a stand-in for those feelings of soaring self-worth. That she was never attracted to him in reality is meaningless. "Very often if we've made a strong emotional connection with someone, we'll dream of him sexually," Spurr says. That doesn't mean we secretly desire him.

What else it could mean
Authority figures from the past can represent a transitional period in a person's life (specifically when you're the aggressor in lovemaking), or they can symbolize feelings of sexual vulnerability (if you're submissive). Being an equal partner, as Stephanie was in her dream, is indicative of contentment and confidence. Don't worry about your choice of sex partners in your dreams: It's not unusual to dream of being intimate with someone you don't think is sexy. The people in your dreams are there because of an emotional or intellectual quality they embody.

Movie Making Out

"I dreamed I was having oral sex performed on me in a theater by a guy I liked, but we stopped before I could climax," says 39-year-old veterinary technician Katy. "I often have hot dreams in which I never actually get to have sex. The foreplay is excellent and I always get close, but someone is always about to discover us or we are interrupted, so I never have intercourse or an orgasm."

The expert analysis
Curses! Foiled again! Although this may be a simple sublimation of not having one's sexual needs met, it could be more far-reaching. "Katy may feel that she's never satisfied in life, even though she's doing everything right," Cummings says. Being in the movie theater (not the bedroom) indicates this isn't only about sex but life in general. Katy should ask herself in what part of her life she feels unsuccessful and figure out what's keeping her from reaching her goals.

What else it could mean
Repeated sex dreams in which you get close but are unable to reach orgasm may also point to a lack of trust in your partner and a fear of sexual or emotional intimacy. Make sure you're keeping the lines of communication open so you both feel comfortable talking about your relationship in general and about what you want sexually. Often, simply taking time to think about your dream and what it means is enough to prevent a rerun.