Dear Women: Your Spanx Ain't Fooling Us. Love, Men

Ladies, you're not fooling us with those Spanx. And you shouldn't have to.

Sometimes we're a touch softer in certain body parts than we'd prefer. Men remedy that with Viagra and rhino horn. Women can use the sucking-it-in method or shapewear.

Of course, sucking it in all the time has its limits. A college friend named Daft Delores (there were two Deloreses, and this one was not terribly bright) gained 15 pounds in a semester and would still wear the same baby doll tees that were popular in the early 2000s. After a several drinks, Daft Delores would forget to keep her belly sucked in and flop it would. Mind you, this same woman once defeated a rabid pit bull in a staring contest so endurance — not willpower — was at issue. Daft Delores' story is familiar to most women, and so you opt for shapewear instead.

Spanx is quickly becoming to shapewear what Kleenex is to tissues.

It starts with a bit of a paradox; tight clothes look terrible on a person with a little extra weight, but extremely tight under-clothing can be used to masquerade that plump. Control top pantyhose have been accomplishing this for decades ... so I've heard. I mean, I'm a dude, I don't know about ladies clothes. But Spanx abandoned the standard legs/ hips/ feet confines of typical hosiery and now we are in a world where women think men have no idea what's happening under that pantsuit.

While men are sometimes easily fooled (Bro, I don't care about how broad her shoulders are or how big her hands are, that is a lady), the chicanery isn't all that necessary. We understand that real boobs droop after 28, that real hair isn't typically honey-colored and that most of us have pores the size of nickels. While different dudes are into different things, we generally agree that the ineffable quality of being "doable" doesn't come down to anything that something made of spandex or one of its cousins can really help. 

I've spent "quality time" with women from waifish to rugbian to plump to Rubenesque and shape seldom held any proportion to skill or vigor. Slender types were just as likely to be motionless, non-reciprocating ingrates as anyone more zaftig. Something something motion of the ocean.

Who are you dressing for?

If it's for other ladies, things like underpants lines are probably important. If you want to fit into a very specific dress and need a little boost from a Figure Enhancing Garment (FEG), go for it. But if the goal is to meet someone whom you're hoping will later peel it off, save some of the effort. Wear the sexy panties instead of the ones that shape your keister.

For the record, I once wore shapewear for this video. I was under the impression that it was comfortable, but the only thing preventing that little number from crushing my kidneys was a missing piece of whalebone. Perhaps I mistook myself for a size 2 again.

Love your body!