If Your Goal Is To Stay Married For The Rest Of Your Life, Say Goodbye To These 10 Habits
The things my husband and I don't do to stay married.
Trần Long | Canva You've probably heard the widely touted statistic that the divorce rate in the U.S. is 50 percent. But that was back in 2010.
According to the Pew Research Center in 2010, the rate of divorce is on the decline (along with the rate of marriage). This success is likely due, in large part, to the fact that people are waiting longer than ever to walk down the aisle.
On average, women and men are delaying marriage by 5-6 years compared to people in 1950, leading some to conclude that getting married when you're a little older means you're both more stable and better prepared for the commitment. In 2018, the Census Bureau put out a new study saying the average divorce rate in the United States was now closer to 7.7 percent! This could be due to people waiting longer to get married.
While stability is certainly important, don't buy into the idea that age is a deciding factor in whether a marriage ends in divorce. It's not the case at all with my marriage, at least. My husband and I met and began dating when I was a teenager and were married in our early twenties. More than eight years later, I am as confident as I was on our wedding day that our marriage will last a lifetime.
If your goal is to stay married for the rest of your life, say goodbye to these 10 habits:
1. Wanting a wedding, not a marriage
Recently, I had coffee with a friend going through a divorce after only two years of marriage. When I asked what happened, she replied without pause, "I wanted a wedding, not a marriage."
She went on to explain that, after years of dating, getting married seemed like the next logical step in their relationship and the timing was right for them to fund the wedding of her dreams.
From seating arrangements to color schemes and everything in between, there are many decisions to be made while planning a walk down the aisle.
It can be easy to lose sight of the ultimate goal: to begin a lifelong relationship with the person you love. But the hard part isn't in saying "I do," it's in choosing to say it again and again for the rest of your life.
For my husband and I, the focus was always on the morning after (and every other morning after that) instead of the "big day."
2. Waiting until after the wedding to tackle important issues
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It can be awkward when you're dating to discuss things like the number and timing of children, personal approaches to finances, where you see yourself living down the road, or what religion your family will practice.
But knowing the answers to these questions before you marry can mean the difference between a rocky start and a smooth transition into your new life together.
Waiting to discuss significant issues until marriage can be detrimental to a relationship. It increases the risk of post-marital disillusionment and the potential for divorce. Couples may discover significant incompatibilities they were not prepared to address beforehand once committed. A 2021 study on pre-cohabitation conversations found that open communication and early addressing issues are crucial for a strong foundation in marriage.
Everyone has their dealbreakers but identifying ours before we gathered 100 of our closest friends and family members to pledge our lives together for all eternity cut down on surprises after they had all gone home.
I am always shocked by the number of marriages that end in divorce because a couple never bothered to discuss their ideas for the future.
3. Putting each other on the back burner when children are in the picture
I've written about it before on YourTango. I love my children, but I am in love with my husband, and prioritizing our relationship is good for our family as a whole.
Prioritizing children over a romantic partner after having kids is a common phenomenon, often leading to a decline in relationship satisfaction, particularly in the early years of parenthood. This is due to factors like sleep deprivation, increased stress, and a shift in focus towards childcare needs.
However, experts in a 2011 study advised maintaining a strong partnership by actively making time for each other as a crucial component of healthy family dynamics.
4. Your in-laws have active roles in your relationship
Mothers-in-law are at the center of many a sitcom and romantic comedy shenanigan — and for good reason. They're notorious for causing marital strife both on-screen and off.
That's why my husband and I have made it clear that while I can't control his mother's opinion on my cooking and he will never escape my mom's incessant nagging on the upkeep of our yard, their thoughts on our relationship are unwelcome.
When we need advice or just to vent, we seek out the listening ear of a friend, not a family member.
5. Your children have free reign of your bedroom
Nothing kills the mood faster than reaching under the sheets mid-romp to dislodge an uncomfortable object that turns out to be a half-empty sippy cup.
6. Use your past as an excuse, but never use it to become a better partner
My husband and I both come from divorced families, a fact that many studies agree puts couples at greater risk for divorce themselves. But history doesn't have to repeat itself.
We talk openly, both together and with therapists, about what went wrong in our parents' marriages and how it affected our lives and our perception of matrimony.
7. Forgetting the common interests that brought you together
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One of the very first conversations my husband and I shared was a discussion of a book we had both recently read. It's dorky, but we're suckers for a good horror novel.
While the differences in our personalities and our day-to-day are vast (he works long hours in law enforcement; I work from home as a freelance writer), we share reading material and talk about it regularly.
A book club for two may not be the foundation on which our marriage is built, but it is a reminder of why we got together in the first place beyond the roles we have assumed since our relationship began.
8. You don't prioritize emotional self-regulation
In an article highlighting the skills every person should master before getting married, YourTango expert, Dr. Susan Heitler, emphasizes the importance of learning to control your emotions.
You can remove nails driven into a board, but you can't undo the holes they create. The same is true for words said in the heat of the moment. Taking time to cool down instead of entering into a shouting match has been the difference between a marital spat and a major blowup.
Relationship coach and author Virginia Clark, who has written about the cheat codes that can give a relationship an unfair advantage, recommended taking "responsibility for your thoughts and your actions." She urged us to take responsibility for our role in the relationship instead of getting stuck in the blame game cycle.
9. You're stuck to each other's side like glue
When I step out for a much-needed day away from the house, I am confident my phone will not ring unless there is an emergency. Likewise, when he arrives home from work, I give him time to relax before handing off the childcare responsibilities.
A little independence and time to ourselves are as vital to the health of our marriage as fostering a common bond.
10. Parenting duties fall on one person only
Nothing breeds resentment faster in a marriage than feeling like you are solely responsible for the diaper changing and late-night feedings.
Since the day our first child was born my husband and I have adopted a 50/50 approach to parenting. "You get this one. I got the last one," is a frequently uttered phrase in our home.
We also share the burden that being a parent can place on a career. There is no expectation that, as the woman, I will shoulder the responsibility of taking a day off when our children are ill.
Nothing makes me feel more supported and secure in our relationship than knowing my husband and I are partners in parenthood.
Amber Doty is a scientific researcher turned writer. She blogs regularly about depression and motherhood.