In Touch Hates Angelina Jolie So Much

It sure would be a shame if everyone even tangentially connected to Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and their six kids didn't get a cut of the Brangelina cash cow, and that includes the family's former bodyguard, who sold his story to the oh-so-respectable tabloid rag In Touch. (Guess the Kardashian and Palin families were too busy destroying America in their own special, distinct ways to make the cover.) In this week's issue, Bodyguard Bill claims that Angelina basically has two personalities, and that she is the MEANEST MOMMY EVER. Or was that quote from Pax after Angie told him he couldn't have dessert if he didn't finish his vegetables?

Other revelations in the story: "She screams and yells a lot, then walks away," Bill told the magazine. "She is not moved by tears," and she giggles when her kids cry. Well, it's that or go stark raving mad, we guess. Seriously, she has six freaking kids. We're pretty sure that Duggar woman in Arkansas hides in the closet for about an hour a day and just sits there babbling to herself, because she has about a billion sprogs. Love Bytes: Marriage Tips From The Duggars

Bill also says that when they first got together, Brad and Angelina had lots of spontaneous sexytimes and "a lot of laughing and fun," but now they sleep in separate bedrooms and Angelina criticizes Brad. "She says things like, 'Are you going to wear that shirt again today?' and tells him he's like another one of the kids." OMG, we are so sure Brad and Angelina were having sex right in front of this guy five years ago.

We certainly hope Bill got a giant pile of money from In Touch for this, because he won't be getting work as a celebrity bodyguard any time soon. As for the dirt he's spilling, we're taking it with a shaker of salt. Is Angelina a three-headed monster who terrorizes her children, ignores her partner and browbeats the staff? Probably not. Is she a working mother of six who gets frustrated with her family at times and loses it? Yeah, we'd believe that happens. Who doesn't want to flee their family and live in an overwater bungalow in Fiji from time to time? You Might Need A "Marriage Checkup"

It's telling that In Touch includes this quote from Bill about Angelina's personality: "In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn't do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she's totally psycho."

Yeah. He sounds very reliable and not at all bitter that he's not working for her anymore. Schmuck.

Via In Touch. Photo via Bauer-Griffin.