Religion: Clergywomen Have God, Looking For Love

When Erika Crawford told her college boyfriend she had decided to go into the ministry, he broke up with her.

"I was 21 and heartbroken. I wondered if this was a sign of things to come," recalls the 35-year-old ordained minister of the African Methodist Episcopal Church located outside New York City.

Unfortunately, after her college breakup, the men she met through friends and colleagues continued to tell her that though they didn't mind her being religious, but that, in not so many words, the idea of dating a minister turned them off. 3 Ways To Change Your Bad Dating Attitude

Crawford's experience is indicative of the difficulties clergywomen find when they enter the dating sphere. Powerful, professional women in general often have difficulties finding love, but do these women of God have the toughest road to hoe?

It's a relatively recent question. Though women have informally served in pastoral roles for centuries, in 1956, the the United Methodist Church became the first American Protestant denomination to approve full ordination and clergy rights for women. The Episcopal Church, of which the current presiding bishop is a woman, approved women's ordination in 1976. The first female Reform Jewish rabbi was ordained in 1972, and Hebrew Union College (with three U.S. campuses and one in Jerusalem) had 552 ordained alumnae as of 2008. Conservative Judaism has ordained women since 1985.

There's no hard evidence documenting their dating struggles, but anecdotal testimony certainly points in that direction. Summarizing her own experience and that of her colleagues, Crawford says, "Statistically speaking, I was looking at being single forever. That was tremendously hard. Your relationship with God doesn't negate the fact that you're a woman and that you want to be romanced." Dear God, I'm Ready To Meet The One

Despite the challenges, Crawford has held firm to who she is—a woman who likes to wear high heels, makeup and jewelry. She says she would have no problems being a supportive wife to a husband, as she believes God commands. "But it's hard to find a man who is strong enough to deal with a strong woman," she says. "I know who I am and I know what God has called me to do. I don't make any apologies for that. I'm not going to dumb it down."

The other difficulty clergywomen face is the constant scrutiny of their lives: "You have to live under a microscope. Everybody is going to be watching," says Crawford. "As I've dated since I've been pastoring, I don't bring anybody around my congregation or my students at the university." (In addition to pastoring a church, Crawford is also a university chaplain.)

She has always been resolute not to date a congregant. When she speaks at other congregations and men approach her, she has passes up those connections. "I don't want to be seen as someone who comes into a church and hooks up," she says. 11 Reasons To Date A Church-Going Guy

Rabbi Joui Hessel, 36, often finds people have a stereotypical idea of what a woman rabbi would look like—and she's not it. A self-avowed girl's girl, she gets regular manicures and loves being feminine. But she, too, has experienced resistance from men when it comes to her religious career choice.

"I remember meeting a guy at a social event and we totally hit it off. He took my number. We had a mutual friend who subsequently told me that the guy found out I was studying to be a rabbi and he got freaked out and he didn't call," says Hessel. For a while, she stopped telling people her career when she first met them. But now that she lives in Washington, DC, she finds things a little easier: "Being a public figure is not as intimidating."

She admits, though, that men are sometimes put off by her being a rabbi. "My schedule is erratic and hectic," she says. "There's nothing more embarrassing than meeting someone and saying, 'I totally want to go out with you. Let's book Thursday night. I'll call you if a shiva (a visit related to a death) comes up.' But that is the life."

She says she'd like to meet a man who is Jewish and is supportive of her career choice, as she would be of his. Ideally, he'd have a degree of devotion to his faith, but not having it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

Rabbi Idit Jacques is 39 and vice president of Jewish Education and Identity at the Columbus (Ohio) Jewish Federation. She met her husband of 18 months, a law professor, on JDate.com, a well-known Jewish dating site. Columbus has a small Jewish community, so over the two years her profile was online, there were only about a dozen replies, but finally she met "the one." Within eight months, they were engaged.

She says online sites ease the pressure for men considering dating women of the clergy. They can look at the profiles in the comfort of their homes and decide if they're comfortable with the women's occupation. She adds that one of her good friends, a Presbyterian minister, met her husband on eHarmony.com.

Adam Berkowitz met his wife, a Conservative rabbi, on an online dating site, although in her profile she listed her occupation as "community educator." He didn't know she was a rabbi until after their initial e-mail exchange. He went ahead with their first in-person meeting without hesitation, as he'd liked everything he'd gotten to know via email and on the phone. A musician, he knew what it was like to be prejudged based on occupation. Back in his dating days some women were disinterested in him because of perceived lack of job security.

"I decided to look at it as the person is not necessarily her job," says Berkowitz, 30. "I saw her as a person and a woman first." He also took time to learn what his wife's job entailed and felt completely comfortable with it.

But even if the Internet has made dating a little easier for female clergy, they still face career-specific romantic hurdles. As Rabbi Jacqueline Koch Ellenson, director of the Women's Rabbinic Network, an organization of Reform rabbis, says: "Women of the clergy provide kind of a lens into some of the larger issues that all women in professional life have—only more so."