Waxing Poetic About Waxing My Back

Every now and again there comes a time in your life in which you realize Diddy is completely right about something. For some people it's the moment they realize Proactiv Solution is a good treatment for acne (and increasing their sexy), some people come to terms with the value of the remix versus creating new beats whole cloth, and I came to terms with ridding myself of unwanted hair. 

Though I'm fair of skin, hair and temperament, I'm a hirsute fellow. While Robin Williams and I are not identical forearm twins, for a dude with Irish-German ancestors, I do sport Greco-Persian quantities of hair (yet, like many Irishman I can't grow decent mustaches as the whole shooting match comes in all patchy).

What's a fleecy fellow to do? Option 1 is to hunker down, keep your shirt on and avoid the beach. While the beach is somewhat overrated, I do enjoy taking my shirt off in disgust or celebration. Option 2 is to own it. Easier said than done. Magnum is a cool guy but even Fonzi's not cool enough to rock back hair. Option 3 is manscaping. Ugh, is right.

There are a few ways to slough unwanted man-hair. Dilatory compounds (Nair, Epilstop, etc) seem like a good idea on paper but they are stinky and burn (not like the Dickens, more like the Kipling). Please do not use these creams or get them in your eyes—they smell like a Yeti's undercarriage. So that leaves 3 main options: shaving, waxing and the laser.

I know next to nothing about laser treatment. I've heard it's expensive, requires many sessions, works better with course, dark hair and could blind you if used irresponsibly. It seems like this option is best for women.*

I do know about shaving. It's an arduous process and not something someone can get full coverage using. And despite what Family Guy's Peter Griffin might tell you, back shaving is not something you want to ask someone you know to do. The chest, on the other side, is fine to shave. My homey Paul from Atlanta insists on shaving his torso weekly (evidently, chicks in the Dirty Dirty are more into the McConaughey than the Burt Reynolds).

Waxing (as in phases of the moon) means increasing. Maybe pulling hair out by its root is increasing your sexy. At any rate, the program involves warming a sticky substance, applying it to an area of unwanted hair, placing a bit of paper on it and then yanking that paper with all your might. Does it hurt? Nah, the real issue with waxing is the aftermath. I have what doctors call "sensitive skin." Some part of the process, the naked, undefended pores, the waxy substance or both do a number on my follicles and outbreak sets in. My options are, therefore, the ass or the crotch (thank you Fight Club) or between back hair and backne. Yes, the absolute apex of increasing the sexy.**

So what’s a guy to do? An unwritten social contract forbids back hair and acne, as both are offensive to the hand and to the eye. Obviously, it's not raising a flag on Mt. Suribachi or figuring out what to do with an unwanted child resulting from shagging your secretary, but it is something that some unlucky modern guys have to deal with.

Any suggestions? Fine, Dad, I'll stop being such a dad-gum baby. Any other thoughts?

*And to put on frickin' sharks' heads. I mean, throw me a bone here.

** I've had my chest waxed and it's more of the same except with a slight twinge when the nipular region is struck. I've never thrown together the holey [sic] grail of manscaping: the back, crack and sack. Skin breakouts near genitalia always looks like the Herp, which is the antithesis of increasing the sexy. Plus, I understand that a perfectly shorn scrotum provides zero in the way of increased sensation, unlike various rumors (likely by the nether-region waxing cartel) about personal female waxing.