5 Reasons Men Are Freakin' AWFUL In Bed (According To Women)

We're not going to lie — women are a fickle sort. When it comes to sex, some women like this, some women like that, and some women don't know what the hell they want.

One thing we are sure of, though, is if you're bad in bed — at least, in our opinion.

Maybe it's us. Maybe it's you. But if the sparks aren't flying when we're banging uglies, it could be because we think you don't have what it takes in the bedroom. What's up with that? 

1. You're a two-pump chump.

Newsflash: If the sex is over less than 10 minutes before it started, with some exceptions, we barely had a chance to get into it before you were done with it. Look, we understand having a penis isn't easy. They sure look complicated to us. (God knows we don't understand them.)

But make sure that when you get down, you reset your clock to operate in sync with ours. Women are notoriously slower to get into it, so take your time. Then, when our girls ask how it was, we won't roll our eyes and proclaim you a T.P.C. 

2. You think this is a porn movie.

We don't expect you to "make love" to us every single time, but, for chrissake, you're not Dirk Diggler, and we're not Amber Waves.

If you're spending more time looking at our crotches and boobs than our faces; if you're trying out a series of death-defying sex moves that include the Pile Driver; if you're saying a bunch of ridiculous stuff like, "Give it to me, baby, one more time," we're probably wondering how we got on the wrong train that took us straight to Porn Valley.

We're not porn stars, honey; we're sexy ladies.

3. There's something ... off.

It could be anything. You smell funny. You grunt like a pig. You're a toe-sucker.

Women are creatures of habit and hygiene, and if there's something off, weird, or rank about you, we're turned off. The funny thing about women is that we won't necessarily tell you what's wrong. We're cage-y like that.

But if we stop talking, start staring at the ceiling, and you spot us checking the clock, in all likelihood there's something about you that we find funky. Ask us. We might tell you. Or, well, maybe you're better off not knowing. 

4. You're just not that good.

Maybe you're a newbie. Maybe you suffer from penis-crippling anxiety. Maybe you just don't get this whole sex thing. Maybe you find women intimidating. Maybe you need to do some additional research in the sex department.

Here's the thing: If, for whatever reason, you suspect you may not be that good in bed, here's the immediate appropriate course of action: Find a sympathetic woman and get her to teach you. All women think they're secret sexperts. If you come across like a guy who's willing to learn, we'd be happy to turn you out, baby.

5. We're over you.

Want to know if a relationship is over? Have sex. There's no hiding true feelings when the clothes come off and the boning starts.

We've been dating for a while. We've gotten a little distant lately. We don't return your calls and texts as quickly as we used to. And exactly what were we up to when we stayed out until 3 AM with our girlfriends last Saturday night? We're just not that into you anymore.

It's not you — it's us. Instead of hanging around and banging your head against our cervical walls, take your sex act on to another woman who will appreciate what you do when you get down.