How To Have Successful Public Bathroom Sex In 8 EASY Steps

Ever wish there was a Zagat's Guide to the best bathrooms to have sex in? Well, though the best bars and restaurants to do this will vary from city to city, your course of action in getting in and out (no pun intended) of the bathroom depends on whether or not you follow these rules.

Here's a very quick guide to getting lewd in the loo:

1. Ladies should wear a skirt.

I shouldn't have to explain this. Easy access, right?

2. Leave separately.

While there will be no doubt where you went, we're not animals.

3. Leave as much stuff at the table as possible.

If you both disappear and take your belongings, the waiter is thinking dine and dash. Also, that clutter is just going to get in the way.

4. Try to use a handicap stall.

It's despicable using a stall designated for the infirm for selfish needs. On the other hand, those rails can come in handy.

5. Clean up as best you can.

Seriously, be a solid citizen. Plus, give yourself a once or twice over, just to make sure.

6. Tip everyone.

If there's a bathroom attendant, slip him a $5 bill. I know, I know, he should be paying you for that show. Also, juke up your tip for the waiter a bit — your quickie may slow down his table turnover and that's like messing with his emotions.

7. Be as courteous as having sex in the bathroom will allow.

Remember those cheerleaders who punched that lady in the face because she was peeved because their fooling around was stressing her bladder? Don't be like those cheerleaders.

8. Don't be a hero.

A beautiful young actor named Josh Hartnett (remember him?) was once rumored to have a ménage a trois in a skeevy Lower East Side bathroom stall. The event is spoken of with reverence.

Most importantly? Have fun. Sure, you may get kicked out of the hotel, bar or restaurant-type place, but it was probably worth it.